In Too Deep

I've been away from this for far too long. I could rant for a long time about everything that is on my mind. I guess I plan on doing that anyways.

• Spring break: I went to the wonderful city of New Orleans for a service trip. It was AMAZING! Every single person I met in New Orleans was remarkable in their own way. I felt that I got the experience I wanted. I was able to hear such beautiful stories, meet amazing people, and do the work I hoped to do. Although I had a different impression of what I would be doing when I was down there, I enjoyed everything I did. While I went to many different places for work, each person said the same thing. The service we were giving was no longer about literally rebuilding New Orleans. It was about rebuilding the community. People were so traumatized by Katrina when it struck in 2005 that many did not want to return to New Orleans. Many couldn't afford to live in NOLA anymore. People had no sense of community anymore. Being down there, I was able to give these people a chance to speak their minds and rebuild connections they lost. It was the best experience of my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
• Love: As much as I resented Jeff, I managed to make amends with him. I'm happily taken by him yet again. Things are getting better. Our communication is a little rough, but we're happy together. I know that he made a mistake and I shouldn't be so willing to forgive, but I can't help it. I needed to think for a while and when I tried to think about another guy, I felt as if it was wrong. I needed Jeff in my life. There was something about him that I couldn't shake. I love him. I honestly do. I know he loves me too. He is still on a leash though. He did make a mistake. My friends don't exactly approve, but I'm happy with him. I told them that he fooled me once. Shame on him. Fool me twice? Shame on me. I'm willing to make it work, but he has to meet me halfway.
• Surprises: While Jeff and I managed to rekindle our relationship, I'm finding that I may be joining the statistics. I don't want to publicly say that I'm pregnant, but I wouldn't be surprised if I was. The hardest part of this realization: I don't know if I could go through with an abortion. I was reading up on it, and it scared the shit out of me. I love Jeff. I would love to spend forever with him, but there is no possible way I can have a child at my age. Yes, I would like kids one day with him maybe. As much as I think this is wrong for me, I kind of have an idea where Jeff and I would have a son one day and I could name him after Jeff's deceased best friend. Right now, I'm bracing for the worst but hoping for the best. I just hope that whatever happens, we'll be strong enough to handle it. 

Maybe I didn't rant as much as I thought I would, but I thought I was getting a lot out. I'll post an in-depth post about my trip to NOLA and keep posting updates about my situation with Jeff and I.

Questioning my choices,
Sierra