Being a small town girl, I was never really introduced to diversity until I changed schools. I was exposed to different races and sexualities and interests. It was something completely new to me. In my old school, there was a total of 3 African American students. Everyone tried to embrace them, but they obviously drew it too much. It was almost cruel how much they tried to interact with them and pretend they were black. When I changed schools, I found out that many people were OK with the idea of someone being gay, lesbian, bisexual. I decided to make it more open that I, myself, am bisexual. Of course, there are people who still ridicule me. I have learned to cope with what people have to say about me, because there is NO shame in who I am.
When I was younger, I was kind of skeptical about being "gay", because I didn't understand it completely when I met some of my sister's friends. I was closed minded to the idea. An example of closed mindedness came to me when one of my sister's friends identified with being gay. He graduated happily in 2007, with my sister. The next year, I was in a spanish class where we were encouraged to make music videos for songs we were learning the lyrics to. A group of the more "well known" students decided to make a video. All the classes saw it. What we didn't see was an alternate ending, including a scene where they deliberately picked on the boy my sister knew. I was shattered. I felt horrible for him. I told him, obviously. He wasn't very happy with the scene either, but there was nothing that could be done. When I realized that I was bisexual the next year, I was terrified of what people would say. I kept it to myself. When I told my friends, they were in shock. They were supportive though, which was what I needed.
I wish I could say the same about my family.
My younger sisters found out by accident. I'm not even sure to this day how they found out I'm bisexual. They didn't really mind. They still make gay jokes around me, which I'm learning to get over because they don't realize that I am actually offended. They don't realize that there is so much under the surface that builds. My older sister is still clueless. I pray that she is. My mother found out I was bisexual. That did not go well...
at all. My mother pulled me into the garage one day when she was far from sober. She threw a chair and broke it. She screamed at me for telling my sisters such blasphamy, and that I was screwed up for telling my sisters that I'm interested in girls. She continues to tell me it's only a phase. My mother refuses to understand that I do like girls. I'm currently in a relationship with a girl. My mother does not know, because I know she would only see it as a sign of rebellion.
It amazes me that, although blood runs deep, people within our families cannot accept the things we were born with. My friend, Sean, and I were hanging out last night. He told me I would get to meet his mother for the first time. He said "Si Si, Remember, I'm not gay." I knew his parents didn't know, but it stuns me that he really feels that he cannot tell his mother that he is gay. He manages to date guys without her knowing. She is a sweet woman, don't get me wrong. He still cannot confront her about his sexuality. I'm perplexed as to why parents are unable to accept their children for who they are. They deny the reality that their child is different. Maybe it is a defense mechanism because they know that the world is brutal. Maybe parents have their own problems with sexuality and that did not turn out well for them. I'm not sure what a parent's reasons could be for hating their child. A parent can love a child for having special needs, being handicapped, but they cannot love a child for being gay? Our parents tell us to chase our dreams, yet they cannot accept that when we try to love someone of the same gender that we are chasing our dream. The ultimate goal: being happy.
Am I the only one amazed by parents denying that their child could be gay? A parent sees us as all the same until they get that brutal reality. It shouldn't even be BRUTAL. It should be HAPPY. A child is willing to embrace themselves. Parents want that. I've struggled with embracing myself for years. I felt I was not pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough etc. Now that I accept my image and my sexuality, I'm frowned upon?
Thankful for God, for He loves me for who I am,
Sierra
