Turning Pages

I'm still broken. I'll admit that I still care about Jeff, regardless of the fact he broke my heart. He cheated on me. Now my only question is why. I want to know so badly that I think it's killing me more than anything else. I finally started therapy at my university, and within minutes, I was crying. I was pouring my heart out to her, and I just felt all the hatred and disappointment rise in me. It was in there, but I felt more depression than anything before I had the chance to talk to someone else about it. Someone who was not biased by being friends with me.

I started talking to my ex recently, and my ex and I were in an on-off relationship for years. When I told him just how upset I was about Jeff, he told me not to think about it. It's hard for me because I was so close to Jeff in a short amount of time. Kenny started telling me that trust issues will only rise up from thinking about his stupidity. He's right. I'm not going to be able to trust anyone if I'm only thinking about Jeff's mistakes. He isn't really worth the tears. I just can't help but think. There are so many emotions in me that I didn't know could come out that it's scaring me. I just want things to go back to normal. I wish I wasn't so broken, and I wish I could forget about Jeff. It's just so hard when love falls through and the one you cared about cheats on you.

What are my goals right now: turn the page. I swore up and down I fell for Jeff to the point I could say I loved him. I never said it to him, and that's probably a good thing. I just need to breathe. I'm hoping to let things go better over my spring break. I'm going to make some changes for the better and I'm going to embrace my beauty. If he didn't appreciate me, someone else will.

Thinking positively,
Sierra

Down.

I hate when I reach that point. If you've ever suffered from depression, you understand what point I'm talking about. That point where you feel your heart racing, not from excitement. You feel the tears welling in your eyes, and they won't come out. You feel your breathing shallow up because something is holding your chest and making it hard to breathe on your own. It's hard when I feel that need to cut. I already let Jeff down once this week. I don't want to ruin this anymore. I fucked up. I know damn well that I messed up, and I have to get ready to leave him for 2 weeks. I want to feel safe. I want to be able to trust myself with him and by myself. I want to feel comfort with the people I'm around and my family. I want to be able to talk to him when I'm feeling this way. So far, I just want a cigarette and to cry.

Trying not to break,
Sierra

So Soon...

I always thought relationships had to go to a certain length of time before we could have problems... I haven't even reached 2 weeks with my boyfriend and I'm already having problems with him. I'm not sure what to do... I've already fallen victim to myself. I cut again last night. It felt incredible to have control over something again, but I can say that my friends weren't so thrilled with my choice. It was hard for them to listen to me explain my situation. They're more pissed off at my boyfriend, simply because he wasn't there for me when I have been there for him. I've never seen my friends so mad.... especially at me. Nichol was embracing, when she let me cry and took me to a counseling center to make an appointment for an in-take. They want me to be better, and I love them so much for it.

My boyfriend is mad at me. He doesn't take well to my cutting. He has no room to talk, because he has scars of his own. I know he's upset. I told him the truth and I promised him I'll stop. I just wish things would get better. It feels too soon to be broken. I don't want to cry because of him. I don't want to lose him. I know I made a mistake. I just wish he'd understand where I'm coming from.

Hoping I won't be lonely,
Sierra

Let There Be Morning

Sometimes, I don't want to admit that there are days I wish I couldn't wake up. I don't want to look weak admitting that I tried to kill myself once upon a time. I failed. I passed out from overdosing on medication and I felt my heart slowing. I really thought I would die. I wanted to... so badly. I woke up at 3 AM, bawling my eyes out. I truly thought I would have been dead. Instead, someone saved me.

I like to think that my uncle saved me. He always had faith in me. He always believed I was destined for greatness, which is why I wear my first and only tattoo for him on my wrist. I used to cut on my left wrist and it meant everything to me that when I tried to kill myself that I thank him for saving me. Sometimes, I'm still mad that he saved me. I let my depression get the better of me. I want to believe that he did it as punishment sometimes. I didn't deserve to take the easy way out. I cry all the time because I don't know where I stand. I want to die, but I can't hurt the people I love. I've watched my friends suffer from Jack's passing. I watch my boyfriend suffer from Jack. I watch the world stop when I can smile and talk about Jack, because everyone else still aches at the sound of his name on their lips.

I want to get a permanent reminder that there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be reminded that the only person holding me back from happiness is myself. I want to be reminded that I have to let light into my life. I have to let the morning come. I want to get a quote from the song "Let There Be Morning" by The Perishers. I want to get "Let there be light, let there be morning" on my shoulder. There will always be morning if I let it come. No one understands how much I've let my depression fight me and take me down. I used to be so good. I wanted to quit smoking cigarettes and cutting. I wanted to let the thoughts of dying stop. Now, I want death to come to me, and I hate it. I want something to end... and I'm hoping it's my depression instead.

Saving up for my memo,
Sierra

Don't Back Down

I fell head over heels for my boyfriend as soon as we hung out. He was OK talking about his friend who had passed away. We stayed up all night talking, cuddling, watching TV. It was a good night. The day of Valentine's Day, I looked at his Facebook. He wrote: "Fuck valentine's day. Everything about it makes me sick. Seeing people happy together makes me sick." I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I'm his girlfriend, and he wasn't acknowledging that I'm his girlfriend. He basically made it seem like I was nothing to him. I texted him and he was insisting he's a crappy person. He said he hated Valentine's Day with a passion. I felt like there was going to be a quick end to my happiness.

Later, he texted me asking me to meet him halfway and we would go to his house and hang out. I gave him his Valentine's Day present (pretzel chocolates with M&Ms) and a card, saying I will not give up on him. I will be there for him as long as he wants me. He is perfect for me, even with his "imperfections." I woke up to a text message telling me his Valentine's Day was perfect because it was spent with me. He didn't realize he has someone who cares about him so much until yesterday. He needed to hear me say what was on my mind and see me to realize that I'm in for the long run. I won't back down. I'll fight him to the end to make sure he's happy.

Watching my boyfriend struggle with loss and such low self-esteem makes me realize we need each other to keep ourselves afloat. We struggle with the same things. I could have walked away and let him keep falling, but instead I wanted to fight him. I wanted him to see the truth. Don't be afraid to fight back, because you might be helping someone win the war they were losing.

Falling in love,
Sierra

That Question

"I'm on the ledge, while you're so goddamn polite and composed/And I know you see me, but you're making it look so easy/What comes and goes, I'd go without/I know you're fine but what a fallout" -Marianas Trench, "Fallout"

Sometimes, I wonder how I can keep sane myself when I hear Sean and Jeff tell me about Jack. He was the most amazing guy you would ever meet, yet I've never met him. I can't pretend that I know their pain, but I can show them that I do care. Sometimes, I wish that was enough. I want them both to feel at ease with his death, but I know it will always be something difficult to cope with. Jeff has been embracing it differently from Sean. Jeff tells me stories about Jack all the time. He smiles when he remembers him. He wears a wristband of Jack's all the time. He keeps Jack's necklace around his picture. Sean cries. Sean has written numerous letters to Jack, wondering why.

That question seems to kill me more and more that I think about it. I hate that question, because it is pouring salt in a wound. Coping is easier when we don't wonder why. We can only accept it. We can only come up with a reason of our own. It will always be open ended, yet we need to give it closure ourselves. It will never get easier, especially when it comes to suicide.

I used to think this blog could be used to give a moral of a story, but now I'm sure that this is just closure for me. It's my chance to vent about what I'm thinking. I want an answer just as bad as Sean and Jeff do. All I can do is tell them how cute Jack was and try to make them smile. It's easier to get Jeff to smile, since he's kind of on cloud 9 from me, and he can think of so many good times with Jack. Sean will always be a different story.

Praying Jack will give them some closure... somehow,
Sierra

When Your Parent Becomes More Than A Parent

Dessert after graduation

I've been feeling really down recently, and I'm not sure why. I know that I've been under a lot of stress because I've been thinking about classes and I've been working a lot. I think there has also been a great deal of tension between my dad and I. Before I left to come back to Indiana, I spent my last night at home in tears. My father was working 24 hours, which I could understand. His fiancee was with her mom. She did not come home until midnight. I was crying to my dad that I wanted someone to be home with me. It truly stung to have to sit at home all day, by myself. It was my last night home before returning to my school which is 4 hours away. He could understand, and he wanted to be there with me. His fiancee was another story.

"I was home with you all break. Today was the only day I was not with you" -My stepmom, on my feeling lonely.

She was so rude to me the morning I left. I was trying to hard not to punch her. I was so disappointed in my father for not saying anything to her. She was trashing me and he said nothing to me. I was pissed off at him. I was horrified that he could let her say that I have serious mental issues and he said nothing. I didn't talk to him for a while when I left. I was upset.

When we started talking again, I realized how much he means to me. He is really one of my rocks. I love him more than I could ever explain. He tries to protect me from what he has been through. He wants the best for me, even though he doesn't have the opportunity to show me that. He wants me to be mentally healthy again. He wants me to feel beautiful and comfortable in my skin. He has watched me suffer for far too long. He was hit by a freight train of information when I started to tumble downhill. He learned that his little girl was violated, and taken advantage of. He had no idea that this had happened. He learned his daughter was smoking, and she felt the desire to self-mutilate. When I told him that I was raped, I've never seen my father cry so much. I watched my role model fall to his knees, wondering why I had to be the victim. I knew this was hard for him to cope with, only because he couldn't protect me.

My dad and I at my graduation.

Dad,

I know that I've been a pain in the ass. I've made choices that I know you're not happy with, but all those things made me grow into a stronger person. They've helped you become a stronger person as well. You're my parent, but you're also my friend. You're my role model. You're my rock. It will always be difficult for us, but we will always have each other. Blood runs deep, and that will always mean something to me. No matter who I meet. No matter where I go, you will always be the person I need in my life for support. I know it's hard for us to talk about what we feel, because we both can't cope with our emotions. I wanted to say this because I've been through so much recently. I know you're worried about my depression. I know you went through a time where you were concerned I wanted to be in heaven, instead of on earth. I know it's hard. Just give me time to show you how much you mean to me. We'll make it through, regardless of distance.

I love you Dad.

Thinking of him,
Sierra

Strength At Its Best

My one friend that I've had my ups and downs with was in the hospital today. She thought it was appendicitis. I was scared to death, considering we were on our own getting her to the hopsital and she didn't have her parents by her side. I know that there were RNs that looked down on my friends and I because of the fact that we're young and we wanted to see our friend. Friends don't apply when it comes to visitors that are important to a person, even in a college town.

Thinking while I was in the waiting room, I had to think about the fact that I was missing a night class for her. I was thinking about my financial stresses and work. I had a lot running through my mind. It was scary to have such concern for my friend then reflect on my own life. I looked up to see a wrestlemania commercial going on the TV. John Cena had a song playing with his clip, and it has became my new anthem. I love it, because I really do feel invincible, considering the things I go through. I've lost 2 friends to causes that weren't suicide. I've struggled giving up what I desire so horribly. I've struggled focusing on school. I've struggled with my family and staying connected. I want to listen to the positivity that surrounds me. I can't be positive with myself because I feel that I'm only human. I don't think that I'm anything. I know people want me to listen to what they have to say, but sometimes, it's hard to do that when you can't tell yourself that you are strong. You know the only truth that you are weak. You try to smile for friends, but cry in silence. You try to live, but inside, you're dying. You try to grow up, but you want to regress. You try to see the positives, but instead, you're living in the negatives. You try to dream, but instead, you fear what happens when you close your eyes.

"Voices in the air, I hear 'em loud and clear, telling me to listen, whispers in my ear, nothing can compare, I just want to listen, telling me I'm invincible, I am" -MGK, Invincible

Remembering I'm not Superman, but I'm invincible,
Sierra

Sunday Blues

I don't know why, but I'm not up for blogging much today. I got to skype my family, and my mother asked me who my blood line traced to. I wasn't sure what she meant, until I realized she was asking me who do I favor, her or my father. My sister was begging to get out, and it's not often my 22-year old sister wants to get out of the house. I miss my family.

Wishing I had more to say,
Sierra

Count Your Blessings.

Today, my university had a career fair. Although I'm only a freshman in meteorology, it was nice to go see the people that I could establish myself with. It was amazing to see all the opportunities that will await me when I'm finished with school. It was funny when most of the representatives for the internships were saying "If you ever feel that meteorology is not your field...", considering I've wanted to be a meteorologist since I was in 4th grade. I have to say the weirdest part of the day was being dressed up in a business casual dress and heels. When I walked through the place where I work, all my coworkers had their eyes on me and told me how beautiful I looked. It was truly amazing that so many people were so considerate and have so much faith in me.

I've struggled with depression since I was in 8th grade. It has been the hardest time of my life, learning to cope with the situations around me. My self-image has been the one thing that has suffered the most through my depression. I have been through things that are unthinkable. Things that I'm not proud to admit to, but sometimes, I need to be honest with myself to accept the situation. It is the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I can do for myself.

Today, I started to feel down on myself for no reason. This is common with depression, along with lack of energy, lack of appetite, and other symptoms. I started to feel this today, and when I looked at a text message from my girlfriend, all I could do was thank God for the life I have. I'm alive and well. I have a job with coworkers who respect me and are willing to teach me along the way. They support me in all that I do, because we are a family in a different way. I have friends like Kiera, who is with me in the picture to the left. I have 2 sets of parents who love me deeply and care about my well-being. I have 3 beautiful sisters who I can trust. I have a brother who will always protect me. I have a God who loves me. I have angels who guide me. I have it made.

Next time you start to feel down, think about all the wonderful things in your life. No matter how horrible things seem, there could always be something worse. Life is not to be wasted. There is only one you, so live as yourself. Live fearlessly and confidently.

Strutting in my Perry the Platypus pjs, fearlessly,
Sierra