When I first wrote this blog, I was going on a rant about how I thought my friend was being stupid. I thought she was being immature, but I'm no better. If she read this, then I'd hope she'd understand that I have been under a great deal of stress. I have been busy with work, school, a girlfriend, friend issues, and family. Let me explain...
1. Work: I've brought up my hours from working 4.5 hours a week to 12 hours a week. That is quite a jump for me. I'm thankful for the opportunity to gain experience in the workforce, even if it is with food. That has taken up a majority of my time. I'm almost concerned with how much I am working, due to the fact that my GPA is not spectacular. My father was quite irritated that I fudged the truth about my grades, mostly because I was not ready to hear him scold me for not being ready for the responsibility of being an adult and school. I am, but I cope with things differently than he understands.
2. School: Being a meteorology major, I automatically minor in mathematics. When I took Calc I first semester, I was in a class with a foreign professor. His accent was thick, and his teaching style was one that I was not accustomed to. He did not explain the mechanics of things. He just did it and hoped that we would get it. I failed the class. I need a certain GPA to keep my major, and that is my biggest fear. My hopes for this semester is to get a 3.0 GPA. I wouldn't admit it to myself that I want something so big, but I really do. Having someone who I do get distracted by in one of my classes is not a good thing. I had to take initiative to pay attention. I can't fail. I hope you understand that.
3. A girlfriend: Yes, she doesn't take up all my time, but I don't want to ruin this. She is my one chance to be happy with someone of the same sex. I haven't had a girlfriend to hold and love in a while. Relationships aren't my biggest concern, but Krys keeps me sane. Through everything I've been through, she has been there. She understands what emotional stress I'm under. She motivates me to keep my grades up. She motivates me to get involved in my classes. Knowing I have a chance of having my girlfriend come to this university with me, and seeing her all the time is the greatest feeling ever. I'd love to see her daily and remind her how beautiful she is and how special she is to me. She makes me complete.
4. Friend problems: You know about everything with Sean. I've been talking to Danielle and Sean the most because Dani and I are worried for Sean. We want him to be OK more than anything. I love you, and you know I do. Sean is my biggest concern right now. You don't have the same issues Sean does. Not to mention, you have been changing. I know this isn't the best way to say it, but you have changed ever since you entered the world of greek life. I understand that having sisters is a good thing for you. I just hope that you don't completely change. I loved you for who you were before. Your sisters should too! You were spazzy, and honest. I know that you and I have been like a ball and chain since the beginning of the year, but sometimes, we need our space. Now that we have it, it seems like we're just ready to hurt each other, rather than comfort each other. I don't like that. I miss you, but it's hard to keep a friendship when it is so bipolar.
5. Family: I thought I could handle things on my own, but it's hard when my own step mother seems to detest me. She doesn't understand that I do appreciate the family time when I am home. To be left alone my last night at home before I returned to Indiana was the harshest punishment to date. I felt neglected at home, and she pretended I was being dramatic. She told me I'm lazy and have serious mental issues. I have nothing wrong with me. I'm not allowed to fib because I don't want to play with a 6 year old? I'm sorry. That's not my fault that I don't do well with age gaps. I appreciate all that she does, but she needs to understand that I'm 18. I can only do so much before I need to be with someone my own age. To have my own father agree with her stings the most. He knows how much progress I made, and I thought I was fine. Apparently not. It's hard to communicate from 200 miles away.
Maybe I am the one that needs to grow up, but I will admit to my flaws. I will own up to the problems I face. God knows what I'm capable of, and He will guide me in my time of need. I have felt so hopeless the last few days. I've been watching the most positive person in my life struggle with loss. It's hard to be the strong one for the strongest person I know. It's heartbreaking to know that he cannot stand on his own right now. He's usually my shoulder to cry on. I wish things would play out differently. God seems to be testing my emotional strength quite a bit, because I cannot believe how many tears I've shed over the weeks. Death and depression has been surrounding me. I will be the better person. I will not hurt anyone around me with my decisions. I have been down this road before, and I want to stop the pain. I will not hurt myself anymore.
Wishing this would get easier,
Sierra