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Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Try Again.

Right now, I can say I feel numb. In the midst of all I've been going through, I've managed to break up with Jeff, yet again. No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be good enough for someone that I love so much. It just seems like he is out to hurt me whenever we get back together. He has been nothing but selfish. He has been abusive and I've been blinded by the positive affection he gave me when we were alone. Whenever it came to his friends, he would be kind of abusive. I gave him everything... and that was so wrong of me.

My friends have been my support. They have been the best friends a girl could ask for. I've never seen Kiera cry, but she cried as she tried to tell me how wrong Jeff was for me. She was bawling telling me how much I was hurting. How much I suffered with him. She was truly hurt watching me stay with him. I didn't understand how much of a mistake he and I were until I saw her tears. She knew all along that I deserved better, but she was going to let me be happy. I was happy with him. He wasn't always perfect for me, but there were times where I just felt loved and that he was the best boyfriend.

Sam was silent with rage. She's trying to be the emotional support for my pregnancy situation that Jeff never was. She wants to be there for me with whatever decision I make. She doesn't understand the concept of love because she has never fallen in love. She does know the pain of a breakup, but she doesn't understand when you tell someone you love them and you break up. She doesn't understand my situation completely, but she's putting her opinions aside about it. She knows how I feel and she wants to see me smile again. She's doing anything to see me smile again.

Amanda is trying to hard not to murder anyone. Jeff was on her shit list from the beginning. She could trust him as far as she could throw him. She didn't say I told you so though when I told her we broke up because he was being a selfish asshole. She was supportive. When I read the conversation out loud, I got applause for how I handled it. They were surprised I could see what was wrong with our relationship. I could see how wrong he was and I stood up for myself. Jeff probably wasn't expecting me to tell him off, but I needed to. I'm suffering more than he is. I was done. 

Because of my friends, I think I want to get a tattoo for them. I know it sounds weird, but I love them. They are the best friends that I could ask for. They are my angels. My rocks. My support. My love. They are the best friends I could have ever met in college. They are the kind of people I want to be in my life forever. I hope they know that, because they really are the most important people in my life besides my family.

All because of you, I believe in angels,
Not the kind with wings, no, not the kind with halos
The kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place
I love them. Thank you guys for being in my life.

Trying to rebuild the pieces,
Sierra

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Let There Be Morning

Sometimes, I don't want to admit that there are days I wish I couldn't wake up. I don't want to look weak admitting that I tried to kill myself once upon a time. I failed. I passed out from overdosing on medication and I felt my heart slowing. I really thought I would die. I wanted to... so badly. I woke up at 3 AM, bawling my eyes out. I truly thought I would have been dead. Instead, someone saved me.

I like to think that my uncle saved me. He always had faith in me. He always believed I was destined for greatness, which is why I wear my first and only tattoo for him on my wrist. I used to cut on my left wrist and it meant everything to me that when I tried to kill myself that I thank him for saving me. Sometimes, I'm still mad that he saved me. I let my depression get the better of me. I want to believe that he did it as punishment sometimes. I didn't deserve to take the easy way out. I cry all the time because I don't know where I stand. I want to die, but I can't hurt the people I love. I've watched my friends suffer from Jack's passing. I watch my boyfriend suffer from Jack. I watch the world stop when I can smile and talk about Jack, because everyone else still aches at the sound of his name on their lips.

I want to get a permanent reminder that there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be reminded that the only person holding me back from happiness is myself. I want to be reminded that I have to let light into my life. I have to let the morning come. I want to get a quote from the song "Let There Be Morning" by The Perishers. I want to get "Let there be light, let there be morning" on my shoulder. There will always be morning if I let it come. No one understands how much I've let my depression fight me and take me down. I used to be so good. I wanted to quit smoking cigarettes and cutting. I wanted to let the thoughts of dying stop. Now, I want death to come to me, and I hate it. I want something to end... and I'm hoping it's my depression instead.

Saving up for my memo,
Sierra

Monday, February 6, 2012

Strength At Its Best

My one friend that I've had my ups and downs with was in the hospital today. She thought it was appendicitis. I was scared to death, considering we were on our own getting her to the hopsital and she didn't have her parents by her side. I know that there were RNs that looked down on my friends and I because of the fact that we're young and we wanted to see our friend. Friends don't apply when it comes to visitors that are important to a person, even in a college town.

Thinking while I was in the waiting room, I had to think about the fact that I was missing a night class for her. I was thinking about my financial stresses and work. I had a lot running through my mind. It was scary to have such concern for my friend then reflect on my own life. I looked up to see a wrestlemania commercial going on the TV. John Cena had a song playing with his clip, and it has became my new anthem. I love it, because I really do feel invincible, considering the things I go through. I've lost 2 friends to causes that weren't suicide. I've struggled giving up what I desire so horribly. I've struggled focusing on school. I've struggled with my family and staying connected. I want to listen to the positivity that surrounds me. I can't be positive with myself because I feel that I'm only human. I don't think that I'm anything. I know people want me to listen to what they have to say, but sometimes, it's hard to do that when you can't tell yourself that you are strong. You know the only truth that you are weak. You try to smile for friends, but cry in silence. You try to live, but inside, you're dying. You try to grow up, but you want to regress. You try to see the positives, but instead, you're living in the negatives. You try to dream, but instead, you fear what happens when you close your eyes.

"Voices in the air, I hear 'em loud and clear, telling me to listen, whispers in my ear, nothing can compare, I just want to listen, telling me I'm invincible, I am" -MGK, Invincible

Remembering I'm not Superman, but I'm invincible,
Sierra

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Count Your Blessings.

Today, my university had a career fair. Although I'm only a freshman in meteorology, it was nice to go see the people that I could establish myself with. It was amazing to see all the opportunities that will await me when I'm finished with school. It was funny when most of the representatives for the internships were saying "If you ever feel that meteorology is not your field...", considering I've wanted to be a meteorologist since I was in 4th grade. I have to say the weirdest part of the day was being dressed up in a business casual dress and heels. When I walked through the place where I work, all my coworkers had their eyes on me and told me how beautiful I looked. It was truly amazing that so many people were so considerate and have so much faith in me.


I've struggled with depression since I was in 8th grade. It has been the hardest time of my life, learning to cope with the situations around me. My self-image has been the one thing that has suffered the most through my depression. I have been through things that are unthinkable. Things that I'm not proud to admit to, but sometimes, I need to be honest with myself to accept the situation. It is the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I can do for myself.

Today, I started to feel down on myself for no reason. This is common with depression, along with lack of energy, lack of appetite, and other symptoms. I started to feel this today, and when I looked at a text message from my girlfriend, all I could do was thank God for the life I have. I'm alive and well. I have a job with coworkers who respect me and are willing to teach me along the way. They support me in all that I do, because we are a family in a different way. I have friends like Kiera, who is with me in the picture to the left. I have 2 sets of parents who love me deeply and care about my well-being. I have 3 beautiful sisters who I can trust. I have a brother who will always protect me. I have a God who loves me. I have angels who guide me. I have it made.

Next time you start to feel down, think about all the wonderful things in your life. No matter how horrible things seem, there could always be something worse. Life is not to be wasted. There is only one you, so live as yourself. Live fearlessly and confidently.

Strutting in my Perry the Platypus pjs, fearlessly,
Sierra

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Here's to The Inevitable

I find it hard to believe that at 18 years old, I know of 8 girls who either are pregnant or have children. One girl has 2 kids... and they are only 10 months apart. A friend of mine had her beautiful little girl today, and I was brought to tears by the pictures of her. Lillian Mae is one of the most precious babies I have ever seen in my life, and I'm so proud of my friend for giving her all in this pregnancy. I know that she will be a great mother down the line. I know that all my other friends have given up a lot to be a mom, and that they are all great in their own ways. Although I know they are great moms, and that is how I will always see them now, I never thought they'd be moms when I first met them. It's hard to believe that this is how things are going now, and it will only get worse with the times. The media portrays sex and pregnancy as something "cute" or "normal", but they don't portray the stress that comes along with it. They don't understand that babies are crying all hours of the day. Pregnancy will drain you physically and emotionally. It will change your life... forever.

Something I wish all schools would enstate is a parenting class. I took parenting my senior year of high school. I had to wear an empathy belly around school and I wore it outside of school. I felt uncomfortable squeezing into desks. People were constantly touching my belly and commenting on how I looked. Although many knew it was fake, there were still people who talked smack about me. I also had the chance to take care of a baby simulator. It was the hardest time of my life. It was only a doll, and I struggled. A doll does not breathe, and desire to play. I was drained from staying up all hours of the night, changing and feeding a crying baby. I fell asleep with the baby on my chest, attempting to burp it. I was at a loss of words when the baby would cry in class, and I would have to run out of the room, embarrassed. It showed me only a fraction of what I'd have to do, and it was hard.

Ever since I learned a childhood friend of mine was pregnant, I've been scared of growing up. I've been afraid of what is going to happen down the line. I know that it is inevitable, but I can't help being afraid. I knew that I was growing up when I hit senior year of high school. I felt more grown up when I went to college orientation. It was real when I moved into my dorm. It hit me like a freight train when I saw more pictures of babies than my friends.

To anyone who feels that they want kids, know this:
  • Kids are beautiful, but your childhood is YOURS... does not mean you're meant to have a child. You will have plenty of years for it to happen down the line.
  • Sometimes, accidents happen. We learn from the past. Whatever you choose for your child, you are doing the right thing. Whether you choose abortion, adoption, or acceptance, you are doing what you feel is right for your child. DO NOT let haters tell you that you're doing the wrong thing. They can get off their high horse. No one is perfect.
  • It's perfectly normal to get a job and go to school and be in a relationship. Just don't for get to laugh or make a sex joke every now and then. Draw a mustache on your finger. You need to remember that you are a kid yourself.
 Love and mustaches,
Sierra

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Time to Grow Up...

When I first wrote this blog, I was going on a rant about how I thought my friend was being stupid. I thought she was being immature, but I'm no better. If she read this, then I'd hope she'd understand that I have been under a great deal of stress. I have been busy with work, school, a girlfriend, friend issues, and family. Let me explain...

1. Work: I've brought up my hours from working 4.5 hours a week to 12 hours a week. That is quite a jump for me. I'm thankful for the opportunity to gain experience in the workforce, even if it is with food. That has taken up a majority of my time. I'm almost concerned with how much I am working, due to the fact that my GPA is not spectacular. My father was quite irritated that I fudged the truth about my grades, mostly because I was not ready to hear him scold me for not being ready for the responsibility of being an adult and school. I am, but I cope with things differently than he understands.

2. School: Being a meteorology major, I automatically minor in mathematics. When I took Calc I first semester, I was in a class with a foreign professor. His accent was thick, and his teaching style was one that I was not accustomed to. He did not explain the mechanics of things. He just did it and hoped that we would get it. I failed the class. I need a certain GPA to keep my major, and that is my biggest fear. My hopes for this semester is to get a 3.0 GPA. I wouldn't admit it to myself that I want something so big, but I really do. Having someone who I do get distracted by in one of my classes is not a good thing. I had to take initiative to pay attention. I can't fail. I hope you understand that.

3. A girlfriend: Yes, she doesn't take up all my time, but I don't want to ruin this. She is my one chance to be happy with someone of the same sex. I haven't had a girlfriend to hold and love in a while. Relationships aren't my biggest concern, but Krys keeps me sane. Through everything I've been through, she has been there. She understands what emotional stress I'm under. She motivates me to keep my grades up. She motivates me to get involved in my classes. Knowing I have a chance of having my girlfriend come to this university with me, and seeing her all the time is the greatest feeling ever. I'd love to see her daily and remind her how beautiful she is and how special she is to me. She makes me complete.

4. Friend problems: You know about everything with Sean. I've been talking to Danielle and Sean the most because Dani and I are worried for Sean. We want him to be OK more than anything. I love you, and you know I do. Sean is my biggest concern right now. You don't have the same issues Sean does. Not to mention, you have been changing. I know this isn't the best way to say it, but you have changed ever since you entered the world of greek life. I understand that having sisters is a good thing for you. I just hope that you don't completely change. I loved you for who you were before. Your sisters should too! You were spazzy, and honest. I know that you and I have been like a ball and chain since the beginning of the year, but sometimes, we need our space. Now that we have it, it seems like we're just ready to hurt each other, rather than comfort each other. I don't like that. I miss you, but it's hard to keep a friendship when it is so bipolar.

5. Family: I thought I could handle things on my own, but it's hard when my own step mother seems to detest me. She doesn't understand that I do appreciate the family time when I am home. To be left alone my last night at home before I returned to Indiana was the harshest punishment to date. I felt neglected at home, and she pretended I was being dramatic. She told me I'm lazy and have serious mental issues. I have nothing wrong with me. I'm not allowed to fib because I don't want to play with a 6 year old? I'm sorry. That's not my fault that I don't do well with age gaps. I appreciate all that she does, but she needs to understand that I'm 18. I can only do so much before I need to be with someone my own age. To have my own father agree with her stings the most. He knows how much progress I made, and I thought I was fine. Apparently not. It's hard to communicate from 200 miles away.

Maybe I am the one that needs to grow up, but I will admit to my flaws. I will own up to the problems I face. God knows what I'm capable of, and He will guide me in my time of need. I have felt so hopeless the last few days. I've been watching the most positive person in my life struggle with loss. It's hard to be the strong one for the strongest person I know. It's heartbreaking to know that he cannot stand on his own right now. He's usually my shoulder to cry on. I wish things would play out differently. God seems to be testing my emotional strength quite a bit, because I cannot believe how many tears I've shed over the weeks. Death and depression has been surrounding me. I will be the better person. I will not hurt anyone around me with my decisions. I have been down this road before, and I want to stop the pain. I will not hurt myself anymore.

Wishing this would get easier,
Sierra