Closure

I always considered closure to be talking and coming to an understanding about what happened. You're never going to understand what happened. You're never going to understand why it happened. You just have to cope with the fact it happened. It's hard to talk to someone you're mad at. I learned that the hard way. My ex and I were fighting the whole time we were "talking." It was just constant bickering. We couldn't even be face to face because it would have caused so much hell in my life.

Today, I had to see Jeff one more time. I didn't get his approval to see him. I had my friend, Sara, take me to get something of mine from his house. I almost didn't see him, but he answered my friend, Sara's phone call instead of mine. I almost fell over looking into his eyes. It hurt knowing he was looking at me with disconnection instead of love. I wanted him to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me. Instead, he handed over my stuff, had a short conversation with me, and I walked off, aching, but dignity in tact.

I bawled. I lost it when I was in the car. For whatever reason, Jeff actually chose to text me after I left. We both agreed we were better off friends. I felt ok. For the first time, I felt like I could see him with another girl and I'd be ok. It didn't hurt to see him post anything. I feel... relieved.

I don't hate him. I hope he makes good choices for himself, and he gets the help he needs. One thing I will remember forever from this relationship: "You are not the mistakes you have made."

I made my mistakes with him, but that doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make Jeff a bad person. We both just need to learn and carry on.

Feeling a little stronger,
Sierra

Try Again.

Right now, I can say I feel numb. In the midst of all I've been going through, I've managed to break up with Jeff, yet again. No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be good enough for someone that I love so much. It just seems like he is out to hurt me whenever we get back together. He has been nothing but selfish. He has been abusive and I've been blinded by the positive affection he gave me when we were alone. Whenever it came to his friends, he would be kind of abusive. I gave him everything... and that was so wrong of me.

My friends have been my support. They have been the best friends a girl could ask for. I've never seen Kiera cry, but she cried as she tried to tell me how wrong Jeff was for me. She was bawling telling me how much I was hurting. How much I suffered with him. She was truly hurt watching me stay with him. I didn't understand how much of a mistake he and I were until I saw her tears. She knew all along that I deserved better, but she was going to let me be happy. I was happy with him. He wasn't always perfect for me, but there were times where I just felt loved and that he was the best boyfriend.

Sam was silent with rage. She's trying to be the emotional support for my pregnancy situation that Jeff never was. She wants to be there for me with whatever decision I make. She doesn't understand the concept of love because she has never fallen in love. She does know the pain of a breakup, but she doesn't understand when you tell someone you love them and you break up. She doesn't understand my situation completely, but she's putting her opinions aside about it. She knows how I feel and she wants to see me smile again. She's doing anything to see me smile again.

Amanda is trying to hard not to murder anyone. Jeff was on her shit list from the beginning. She could trust him as far as she could throw him. She didn't say I told you so though when I told her we broke up because he was being a selfish asshole. She was supportive. When I read the conversation out loud, I got applause for how I handled it. They were surprised I could see what was wrong with our relationship. I could see how wrong he was and I stood up for myself. Jeff probably wasn't expecting me to tell him off, but I needed to. I'm suffering more than he is. I was done. 

Because of my friends, I think I want to get a tattoo for them. I know it sounds weird, but I love them. They are the best friends that I could ask for. They are my angels. My rocks. My support. My love. They are the best friends I could have ever met in college. They are the kind of people I want to be in my life forever. I hope they know that, because they really are the most important people in my life besides my family.

All because of you, I believe in angels,
Not the kind with wings, no, not the kind with halos
The kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place

I love them. Thank you guys for being in my life.

Trying to rebuild the pieces,
Sierra

Turning Pages

I'm still broken. I'll admit that I still care about Jeff, regardless of the fact he broke my heart. He cheated on me. Now my only question is why. I want to know so badly that I think it's killing me more than anything else. I finally started therapy at my university, and within minutes, I was crying. I was pouring my heart out to her, and I just felt all the hatred and disappointment rise in me. It was in there, but I felt more depression than anything before I had the chance to talk to someone else about it. Someone who was not biased by being friends with me.

I started talking to my ex recently, and my ex and I were in an on-off relationship for years. When I told him just how upset I was about Jeff, he told me not to think about it. It's hard for me because I was so close to Jeff in a short amount of time. Kenny started telling me that trust issues will only rise up from thinking about his stupidity. He's right. I'm not going to be able to trust anyone if I'm only thinking about Jeff's mistakes. He isn't really worth the tears. I just can't help but think. There are so many emotions in me that I didn't know could come out that it's scaring me. I just want things to go back to normal. I wish I wasn't so broken, and I wish I could forget about Jeff. It's just so hard when love falls through and the one you cared about cheats on you.

What are my goals right now: turn the page. I swore up and down I fell for Jeff to the point I could say I loved him. I never said it to him, and that's probably a good thing. I just need to breathe. I'm hoping to let things go better over my spring break. I'm going to make some changes for the better and I'm going to embrace my beauty. If he didn't appreciate me, someone else will.

Thinking positively,
Sierra

Turning Tables

It's funny how you can tell something is wrong, but you underestimate the situation completely. I knew my boyfriend and I were having problems, but I never realized that there was a chance he was cheating on me. At first, I just laughed. I tried to tell myself that it was his loss and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but I can't help but feel guilty that I wasn't good enough for him. He really had to go to another girl to see that his life was just the way he wanted. I'm not sure how long he was dating the other girl. I know that he publicly posted on Facebook that she was his. It shouldn't bother me, yet I feel an ache in my heart.

He's hardly worth the tears I'm starting to cry, but I want him to know just how bad I feel. I wanted to give him all I could. I want him to know that I did all I could. I thought I was a good girlfriend, but I wasn't. Now, I honestly wonder what else God will have in store for me. I fell hard for the guy. He was someone that I could be goofy with, and we were good at first. I'm not sure what changed between us. It took one day for us to fall head over heels and one night for us to fall apart.

Wanting to start over,
Sierra

When You're Wondering...

I've been going through a lot with my boyfriend recently, and I have to say, I've been so stressed out. I wasn't sure how to react to the things I was going through because I never had a boyfriend tell me I was clingy and I've never had horrible depression when I was with someone. I decided to go to my coworkers who are all older than me for relationship advice. It was quite amusing to see the variety in the responses.

George, who is 36 and the brother to one of the other cooks: If Dom could get married two times, then there is hope for you too! You're still young. Don't get hung up on a guy at your age.

Andrew, who is one of the younger guys that works with me: I just broke up with my girlfriend. She said I didn't spend enough money on her. Your boyfriend sounds like a prick. What a douchebag. Seriously, dump him next time you talk to him. Don't stay with someone who treats you like that. You're still a k-k-k-killaa. (inside joke)

Cathy, who is very opinionated: Don't care. Seriously, just don't give a shit emotionally. If you treat a guy shitty, he'll want you more. I don't mean be a bitch, but don't give a shit emotionally. Don't ask him for kisses. Don't give him hugs and beg to cuddle. Push him off. Act like a guy. He'll like that more.

Beth, who has been married almost 20 years: I love my husband, but I say he's lucky he's still breathing. He leaves for a weekend and I'm excited! I say "Ok! Have fun! Yes! He's gone!" I like my time with him, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. We just have fun.

Debbie, my manager who is definitely on the older side: I'll tell you a secret. I've been married 30 years and my husband is still an asshole. They don't change. People come and go in your life for a reason. If this doesn't work out, it was for a reason.

Madonna, who is very quiet and doesn't seem to like me much, but still is a caring woman: He can't be worth it if he's making you cry this much. Things will get better, but if they don't. Don't worry about him. You have a lot going for you. A guy is the last thing you need.

Devon, who is the biggest asshole I work with, but all in good fun: All you need is a little bow-chicka-wow-wow and everything will be good.

Some of the answers were wise, but some of them just made me laugh. It all combined for me, and it's helping me understand what I can do as a girlfriend to be a better person. I want to cling to my boyfriend out of love, but if I want this to last, everything I thought was supposed to happen in a relationship won't happen. I'm not supposed to shower him in affection and love. I'm supposed to not give a flying fuck. I'm supposed to nod my head. I'm supposed to let him call the shots. I'll ask for something if I really think I need to, and otherwise, just go with it. Sounds better than fighting all the time because I can't stop texting him or clinging to him.

Channeling my emotions to exams,
Sierra

Crazy Thing We Call Love

It amazes me that my boyfriend was able to manipulate me to the point where I was crying. I said I was done and I was the one crying. He pretended I wasn't mad at all. It was really annoying. All my friends told me to break up with him, but I refused. He finally texted me "I miss you boo boo." For whatever reason, I was honest and said I miss you too. We finally ended up apologizing to each other and I saw him today. Within minutes of me leaving his side, he texted me that I was being clingy again. I wasn't sure how. I did what I thought normal girlfriends did. Ask for kisses, cuddled with him, fell asleep on him, and gave him kisses before I left. I wasn't sure what he thought was being clingy. I decided to just let him do the texting. It saves me from looking stupid. As for in person, I have no idea what to do anymore. I guess I'm just done giving a flying poo and I'll let him call all the shots.

Feeling stupidly in love,
Sierra

Down.

I hate when I reach that point. If you've ever suffered from depression, you understand what point I'm talking about. That point where you feel your heart racing, not from excitement. You feel the tears welling in your eyes, and they won't come out. You feel your breathing shallow up because something is holding your chest and making it hard to breathe on your own. It's hard when I feel that need to cut. I already let Jeff down once this week. I don't want to ruin this anymore. I fucked up. I know damn well that I messed up, and I have to get ready to leave him for 2 weeks. I want to feel safe. I want to be able to trust myself with him and by myself. I want to feel comfort with the people I'm around and my family. I want to be able to talk to him when I'm feeling this way. So far, I just want a cigarette and to cry.

Trying not to break,
Sierra

Don't Back Down

I fell head over heels for my boyfriend as soon as we hung out. He was OK talking about his friend who had passed away. We stayed up all night talking, cuddling, watching TV. It was a good night. The day of Valentine's Day, I looked at his Facebook. He wrote: "Fuck valentine's day. Everything about it makes me sick. Seeing people happy together makes me sick." I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I'm his girlfriend, and he wasn't acknowledging that I'm his girlfriend. He basically made it seem like I was nothing to him. I texted him and he was insisting he's a crappy person. He said he hated Valentine's Day with a passion. I felt like there was going to be a quick end to my happiness.

Later, he texted me asking me to meet him halfway and we would go to his house and hang out. I gave him his Valentine's Day present (pretzel chocolates with M&Ms) and a card, saying I will not give up on him. I will be there for him as long as he wants me. He is perfect for me, even with his "imperfections." I woke up to a text message telling me his Valentine's Day was perfect because it was spent with me. He didn't realize he has someone who cares about him so much until yesterday. He needed to hear me say what was on my mind and see me to realize that I'm in for the long run. I won't back down. I'll fight him to the end to make sure he's happy.

Watching my boyfriend struggle with loss and such low self-esteem makes me realize we need each other to keep ourselves afloat. We struggle with the same things. I could have walked away and let him keep falling, but instead I wanted to fight him. I wanted him to see the truth. Don't be afraid to fight back, because you might be helping someone win the war they were losing.

Falling in love,
Sierra

Happiness At Last

I've been worried about everyone else's happiness so much that I let myself slip back into a bout of depression. I've been feeling miserable for a while. Any sad song can and will make me bawl my eyes out. I have been dwelling on the deaths of my friends, Erik and Kassie. I have been concerned with my friend, Nichol, who has been in and out of the hospital for some stomach issues. I have been thinking about how I have bills to pay that I can't afford. I have been feeling so much stress.

On top of that, I have had some relationship issues. I was confused as to who I wanted to be with out of two people. There was a beautiful girl that I was falling hard for. I was hoping that she would be attending my university, so I could see her frequently. She wasn't accepted to my school, and that suddenly made me question my relationship with her. I was also talking to a guy that I met through a friend. He was sweet, but we knew we weren't going to last with the distance. I was concerned about distance with Krys too. She was so sweet, but the distance would kill me with the depression I've been feeling.... and then I met Jeff.

My boyfriend, Jeff, is the most amazing guy I've ever met in my life. He makes me smile more than anyone I've ever met. There was a horrible snowstorm in Northwest Indiana, so I was snowed in with my boyfriend. I spent the night, snuggled in his arms. I fell asleep, but I was hardly asleep. I could hear and feel him move. He kept kissing my forehead and telling me I'm beautiful and adorable. He was running his hands through my hair. He finally got up and moved to the couch, which woke me up. I accidentally woke him up, and we kept dozing off, snuggling, watching TV, and being goofy. I don't think I can emphasize how amazing he is to me. I feel like a princess. I trust him with my heart and soul. We just started dating and the chemistry between us could destroy the world. He's... one in a million, and I love it. I feel blessed to know I have someone so amazing in my life. It makes me thankful I was a little selfish and I wanted to think of my happiness, instead of others.

I've been ignoring my blog for a few days, which makes me feel bad, but I was trying to make myself happy. Whenever you start to feel a little down, be selfish. Do what you want, because in the end, your happiness shouldn't be put at the bottom of your priorities. Doing what you want may just make you the happiest you've been in a long time.

Missing my teddy bear and eskimo kisses,
Sierra

The Golden Rule

I just finished watching Teen Mom 2. The big topic on twitter to Leah Messer, who filed for divorce after being married for 6 months, is that she is a slut, and doesn't deserve her children. Someone even told her she is worthless and should kill herself. People make mistakes... including myself. I can see both sides to it, because I've been on both sides. I've been a cheater, and I've been cheated on. It hurts on either side. It hurts to know that you weren't good enough for someone, and it hurts to know you betrayed someone that you wanted in your life so badly. It's a hard topic. People will always be rude when it comes to cheating. Kailyn Lowry also made the choice to cheat on Jordan with Jo. The funny thing is... cheating happens all around the United States every day, and no one says anything to the people who are cheating because they don't know. Kailyn and Leah had their lives shown to the world. It's hard. I can't emphasize how hard it is to accept that you made a mistake. It's hard to admit to it. It's hard to let that person that you love so much walk out of your life.

I was engaged... and I loved my fiance with all my heart. I really did. Sometimes, I still think I do. I cheated on him with an ex... and when I told him, I cried. Not because I feared what he was going to do, but because I was sorry. Sorry doesn't change the past, but sorry shows that you gave a damn in the first place. Sorry shows that you obviously care. Mistakes are made all the time. Sometimes, those mistakes are things that affect another person in your life. He and I stayed together, until we hit a patch we couldn't fix. We simply couldn't keep it together. We are still friends, because we can handle that. The worst part of being friends with him is that there are times when I wonder why he and I aren't together and I know it's because I made a mistake. I know that in my heart. I will always miss him being in my life.

When I talk to someone of interest now, it's funny that I hold them to a high standard. I fear being cheated on, but I also fear that I will be a cheater again. Standards are not ways of making yourself look like a bitch, but ways of protecting yourself from making more mistakes. Leah and Corey were always on the rocks. They had a tough relationship because she got pregnant within less of a month of them dating. That wasn't the way to start out a relationship. It ended badly because it started badly. Maybe Leah shouldn't have moved on so quickly, but Leah has her standards, and her new fiance meets them. She's happy now. I pray that her relationship works out. I've been in her shoes. I never had to deal with millions of people watching me admit to my cheating problem, but I've had to admit it to his family. That was hard enough.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. In a relationship, it is a two-way street. You can wonder why are you cheated on, but when you get older and this happens... there are more reasons rather than boredom. There were always better solutions to the relationship, but that was the path taken. Love needs to be given in order to be received. I didn't feel love all the time from my fiance. I was wrong to cheat, but it happened. I cannot regret it because I wanted it at the time.

Treat your significant other right, especially with valentine's day around the corner.

Wishing it was Valentine's day for me, rather than Single Awareness Day,
Sierra