Closure

I always considered closure to be talking and coming to an understanding about what happened. You're never going to understand what happened. You're never going to understand why it happened. You just have to cope with the fact it happened. It's hard to talk to someone you're mad at. I learned that the hard way. My ex and I were fighting the whole time we were "talking." It was just constant bickering. We couldn't even be face to face because it would have caused so much hell in my life.

Today, I had to see Jeff one more time. I didn't get his approval to see him. I had my friend, Sara, take me to get something of mine from his house. I almost didn't see him, but he answered my friend, Sara's phone call instead of mine. I almost fell over looking into his eyes. It hurt knowing he was looking at me with disconnection instead of love. I wanted him to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me. Instead, he handed over my stuff, had a short conversation with me, and I walked off, aching, but dignity in tact.

I bawled. I lost it when I was in the car. For whatever reason, Jeff actually chose to text me after I left. We both agreed we were better off friends. I felt ok. For the first time, I felt like I could see him with another girl and I'd be ok. It didn't hurt to see him post anything. I feel... relieved.

I don't hate him. I hope he makes good choices for himself, and he gets the help he needs. One thing I will remember forever from this relationship: "You are not the mistakes you have made."

I made my mistakes with him, but that doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make Jeff a bad person. We both just need to learn and carry on.

Feeling a little stronger,
Sierra

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing.

I've decided to use my spring break to my advantage. I will not be able to post anything for a week, but it will be worth every minute. I will be rebuilding houses that were damaged by Katrina in New Orleans. I am leaving on March 3rd and I will be back on March 10th. I will be posting lots and lots of pictures of the work I did down there and the night life I experience after a long work day.

I'm so excited to be channeling my depression and anger into something completely unrelated. I'm going to be helping others while enjoying my life. I am so thrilled. I wish everyone had the chance to do what I'm doing.

What will I be doing for my second week of spring break? After purging my soul of all the hatred I've built up in the last week, I will be starting off with a clean slate. What does that mean? I'm bleaching my hair blonde. I haven't had my hair blonde (decent blonde, not orange blonde!) in a long time. I'm excited to see how this goes. I just want to be a new me that I'm happy with. I want to come back with a positive attitude. There's no point in continuing to be so down on myself when I did nothing wrong. I need to embrace myself, spoil myself, and think about myself. I don't need to worry about anyone else right now (other than those I'm helping in New Orleans.)

Having a wonderful date night with my laundry and essays,
Sierra

The Golden Rule

I just finished watching Teen Mom 2. The big topic on twitter to Leah Messer, who filed for divorce after being married for 6 months, is that she is a slut, and doesn't deserve her children. Someone even told her she is worthless and should kill herself. People make mistakes... including myself. I can see both sides to it, because I've been on both sides. I've been a cheater, and I've been cheated on. It hurts on either side. It hurts to know that you weren't good enough for someone, and it hurts to know you betrayed someone that you wanted in your life so badly. It's a hard topic. People will always be rude when it comes to cheating. Kailyn Lowry also made the choice to cheat on Jordan with Jo. The funny thing is... cheating happens all around the United States every day, and no one says anything to the people who are cheating because they don't know. Kailyn and Leah had their lives shown to the world. It's hard. I can't emphasize how hard it is to accept that you made a mistake. It's hard to admit to it. It's hard to let that person that you love so much walk out of your life.

I was engaged... and I loved my fiance with all my heart. I really did. Sometimes, I still think I do. I cheated on him with an ex... and when I told him, I cried. Not because I feared what he was going to do, but because I was sorry. Sorry doesn't change the past, but sorry shows that you gave a damn in the first place. Sorry shows that you obviously care. Mistakes are made all the time. Sometimes, those mistakes are things that affect another person in your life. He and I stayed together, until we hit a patch we couldn't fix. We simply couldn't keep it together. We are still friends, because we can handle that. The worst part of being friends with him is that there are times when I wonder why he and I aren't together and I know it's because I made a mistake. I know that in my heart. I will always miss him being in my life.

When I talk to someone of interest now, it's funny that I hold them to a high standard. I fear being cheated on, but I also fear that I will be a cheater again. Standards are not ways of making yourself look like a bitch, but ways of protecting yourself from making more mistakes. Leah and Corey were always on the rocks. They had a tough relationship because she got pregnant within less of a month of them dating. That wasn't the way to start out a relationship. It ended badly because it started badly. Maybe Leah shouldn't have moved on so quickly, but Leah has her standards, and her new fiance meets them. She's happy now. I pray that her relationship works out. I've been in her shoes. I never had to deal with millions of people watching me admit to my cheating problem, but I've had to admit it to his family. That was hard enough.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. In a relationship, it is a two-way street. You can wonder why are you cheated on, but when you get older and this happens... there are more reasons rather than boredom. There were always better solutions to the relationship, but that was the path taken. Love needs to be given in order to be received. I didn't feel love all the time from my fiance. I was wrong to cheat, but it happened. I cannot regret it because I wanted it at the time.

Treat your significant other right, especially with valentine's day around the corner.

Wishing it was Valentine's day for me, rather than Single Awareness Day,
Sierra