All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing.

I've decided to use my spring break to my advantage. I will not be able to post anything for a week, but it will be worth every minute. I will be rebuilding houses that were damaged by Katrina in New Orleans. I am leaving on March 3rd and I will be back on March 10th. I will be posting lots and lots of pictures of the work I did down there and the night life I experience after a long work day.

I'm so excited to be channeling my depression and anger into something completely unrelated. I'm going to be helping others while enjoying my life. I am so thrilled. I wish everyone had the chance to do what I'm doing.

What will I be doing for my second week of spring break? After purging my soul of all the hatred I've built up in the last week, I will be starting off with a clean slate. What does that mean? I'm bleaching my hair blonde. I haven't had my hair blonde (decent blonde, not orange blonde!) in a long time. I'm excited to see how this goes. I just want to be a new me that I'm happy with. I want to come back with a positive attitude. There's no point in continuing to be so down on myself when I did nothing wrong. I need to embrace myself, spoil myself, and think about myself. I don't need to worry about anyone else right now (other than those I'm helping in New Orleans.)

Having a wonderful date night with my laundry and essays,
Sierra

Turning Tables

It's funny how you can tell something is wrong, but you underestimate the situation completely. I knew my boyfriend and I were having problems, but I never realized that there was a chance he was cheating on me. At first, I just laughed. I tried to tell myself that it was his loss and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but I can't help but feel guilty that I wasn't good enough for him. He really had to go to another girl to see that his life was just the way he wanted. I'm not sure how long he was dating the other girl. I know that he publicly posted on Facebook that she was his. It shouldn't bother me, yet I feel an ache in my heart.

He's hardly worth the tears I'm starting to cry, but I want him to know just how bad I feel. I wanted to give him all I could. I want him to know that I did all I could. I thought I was a good girlfriend, but I wasn't. Now, I honestly wonder what else God will have in store for me. I fell hard for the guy. He was someone that I could be goofy with, and we were good at first. I'm not sure what changed between us. It took one day for us to fall head over heels and one night for us to fall apart.

Wanting to start over,
Sierra

When You're Wondering...

I've been going through a lot with my boyfriend recently, and I have to say, I've been so stressed out. I wasn't sure how to react to the things I was going through because I never had a boyfriend tell me I was clingy and I've never had horrible depression when I was with someone. I decided to go to my coworkers who are all older than me for relationship advice. It was quite amusing to see the variety in the responses.

George, who is 36 and the brother to one of the other cooks: If Dom could get married two times, then there is hope for you too! You're still young. Don't get hung up on a guy at your age.

Andrew, who is one of the younger guys that works with me: I just broke up with my girlfriend. She said I didn't spend enough money on her. Your boyfriend sounds like a prick. What a douchebag. Seriously, dump him next time you talk to him. Don't stay with someone who treats you like that. You're still a k-k-k-killaa. (inside joke)

Cathy, who is very opinionated: Don't care. Seriously, just don't give a shit emotionally. If you treat a guy shitty, he'll want you more. I don't mean be a bitch, but don't give a shit emotionally. Don't ask him for kisses. Don't give him hugs and beg to cuddle. Push him off. Act like a guy. He'll like that more.

Beth, who has been married almost 20 years: I love my husband, but I say he's lucky he's still breathing. He leaves for a weekend and I'm excited! I say "Ok! Have fun! Yes! He's gone!" I like my time with him, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. We just have fun.

Debbie, my manager who is definitely on the older side: I'll tell you a secret. I've been married 30 years and my husband is still an asshole. They don't change. People come and go in your life for a reason. If this doesn't work out, it was for a reason.

Madonna, who is very quiet and doesn't seem to like me much, but still is a caring woman: He can't be worth it if he's making you cry this much. Things will get better, but if they don't. Don't worry about him. You have a lot going for you. A guy is the last thing you need.

Devon, who is the biggest asshole I work with, but all in good fun: All you need is a little bow-chicka-wow-wow and everything will be good.

Some of the answers were wise, but some of them just made me laugh. It all combined for me, and it's helping me understand what I can do as a girlfriend to be a better person. I want to cling to my boyfriend out of love, but if I want this to last, everything I thought was supposed to happen in a relationship won't happen. I'm not supposed to shower him in affection and love. I'm supposed to not give a flying fuck. I'm supposed to nod my head. I'm supposed to let him call the shots. I'll ask for something if I really think I need to, and otherwise, just go with it. Sounds better than fighting all the time because I can't stop texting him or clinging to him.

Channeling my emotions to exams,
Sierra

Crazy Thing We Call Love

It amazes me that my boyfriend was able to manipulate me to the point where I was crying. I said I was done and I was the one crying. He pretended I wasn't mad at all. It was really annoying. All my friends told me to break up with him, but I refused. He finally texted me "I miss you boo boo." For whatever reason, I was honest and said I miss you too. We finally ended up apologizing to each other and I saw him today. Within minutes of me leaving his side, he texted me that I was being clingy again. I wasn't sure how. I did what I thought normal girlfriends did. Ask for kisses, cuddled with him, fell asleep on him, and gave him kisses before I left. I wasn't sure what he thought was being clingy. I decided to just let him do the texting. It saves me from looking stupid. As for in person, I have no idea what to do anymore. I guess I'm just done giving a flying poo and I'll let him call all the shots.

Feeling stupidly in love,
Sierra

Don't Back Down

I fell head over heels for my boyfriend as soon as we hung out. He was OK talking about his friend who had passed away. We stayed up all night talking, cuddling, watching TV. It was a good night. The day of Valentine's Day, I looked at his Facebook. He wrote: "Fuck valentine's day. Everything about it makes me sick. Seeing people happy together makes me sick." I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I'm his girlfriend, and he wasn't acknowledging that I'm his girlfriend. He basically made it seem like I was nothing to him. I texted him and he was insisting he's a crappy person. He said he hated Valentine's Day with a passion. I felt like there was going to be a quick end to my happiness.

Later, he texted me asking me to meet him halfway and we would go to his house and hang out. I gave him his Valentine's Day present (pretzel chocolates with M&Ms) and a card, saying I will not give up on him. I will be there for him as long as he wants me. He is perfect for me, even with his "imperfections." I woke up to a text message telling me his Valentine's Day was perfect because it was spent with me. He didn't realize he has someone who cares about him so much until yesterday. He needed to hear me say what was on my mind and see me to realize that I'm in for the long run. I won't back down. I'll fight him to the end to make sure he's happy.

Watching my boyfriend struggle with loss and such low self-esteem makes me realize we need each other to keep ourselves afloat. We struggle with the same things. I could have walked away and let him keep falling, but instead I wanted to fight him. I wanted him to see the truth. Don't be afraid to fight back, because you might be helping someone win the war they were losing.

Falling in love,
Sierra

The Golden Rule

I just finished watching Teen Mom 2. The big topic on twitter to Leah Messer, who filed for divorce after being married for 6 months, is that she is a slut, and doesn't deserve her children. Someone even told her she is worthless and should kill herself. People make mistakes... including myself. I can see both sides to it, because I've been on both sides. I've been a cheater, and I've been cheated on. It hurts on either side. It hurts to know that you weren't good enough for someone, and it hurts to know you betrayed someone that you wanted in your life so badly. It's a hard topic. People will always be rude when it comes to cheating. Kailyn Lowry also made the choice to cheat on Jordan with Jo. The funny thing is... cheating happens all around the United States every day, and no one says anything to the people who are cheating because they don't know. Kailyn and Leah had their lives shown to the world. It's hard. I can't emphasize how hard it is to accept that you made a mistake. It's hard to admit to it. It's hard to let that person that you love so much walk out of your life.

I was engaged... and I loved my fiance with all my heart. I really did. Sometimes, I still think I do. I cheated on him with an ex... and when I told him, I cried. Not because I feared what he was going to do, but because I was sorry. Sorry doesn't change the past, but sorry shows that you gave a damn in the first place. Sorry shows that you obviously care. Mistakes are made all the time. Sometimes, those mistakes are things that affect another person in your life. He and I stayed together, until we hit a patch we couldn't fix. We simply couldn't keep it together. We are still friends, because we can handle that. The worst part of being friends with him is that there are times when I wonder why he and I aren't together and I know it's because I made a mistake. I know that in my heart. I will always miss him being in my life.

When I talk to someone of interest now, it's funny that I hold them to a high standard. I fear being cheated on, but I also fear that I will be a cheater again. Standards are not ways of making yourself look like a bitch, but ways of protecting yourself from making more mistakes. Leah and Corey were always on the rocks. They had a tough relationship because she got pregnant within less of a month of them dating. That wasn't the way to start out a relationship. It ended badly because it started badly. Maybe Leah shouldn't have moved on so quickly, but Leah has her standards, and her new fiance meets them. She's happy now. I pray that her relationship works out. I've been in her shoes. I never had to deal with millions of people watching me admit to my cheating problem, but I've had to admit it to his family. That was hard enough.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. In a relationship, it is a two-way street. You can wonder why are you cheated on, but when you get older and this happens... there are more reasons rather than boredom. There were always better solutions to the relationship, but that was the path taken. Love needs to be given in order to be received. I didn't feel love all the time from my fiance. I was wrong to cheat, but it happened. I cannot regret it because I wanted it at the time.

Treat your significant other right, especially with valentine's day around the corner.

Wishing it was Valentine's day for me, rather than Single Awareness Day,
Sierra