In Too Deep

I've been away from this for far too long. I could rant for a long time about everything that is on my mind. I guess I plan on doing that anyways.

• Spring break: I went to the wonderful city of New Orleans for a service trip. It was AMAZING! Every single person I met in New Orleans was remarkable in their own way. I felt that I got the experience I wanted. I was able to hear such beautiful stories, meet amazing people, and do the work I hoped to do. Although I had a different impression of what I would be doing when I was down there, I enjoyed everything I did. While I went to many different places for work, each person said the same thing. The service we were giving was no longer about literally rebuilding New Orleans. It was about rebuilding the community. People were so traumatized by Katrina when it struck in 2005 that many did not want to return to New Orleans. Many couldn't afford to live in NOLA anymore. People had no sense of community anymore. Being down there, I was able to give these people a chance to speak their minds and rebuild connections they lost. It was the best experience of my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
• Love: As much as I resented Jeff, I managed to make amends with him. I'm happily taken by him yet again. Things are getting better. Our communication is a little rough, but we're happy together. I know that he made a mistake and I shouldn't be so willing to forgive, but I can't help it. I needed to think for a while and when I tried to think about another guy, I felt as if it was wrong. I needed Jeff in my life. There was something about him that I couldn't shake. I love him. I honestly do. I know he loves me too. He is still on a leash though. He did make a mistake. My friends don't exactly approve, but I'm happy with him. I told them that he fooled me once. Shame on him. Fool me twice? Shame on me. I'm willing to make it work, but he has to meet me halfway.
• Surprises: While Jeff and I managed to rekindle our relationship, I'm finding that I may be joining the statistics. I don't want to publicly say that I'm pregnant, but I wouldn't be surprised if I was. The hardest part of this realization: I don't know if I could go through with an abortion. I was reading up on it, and it scared the shit out of me. I love Jeff. I would love to spend forever with him, but there is no possible way I can have a child at my age. Yes, I would like kids one day with him maybe. As much as I think this is wrong for me, I kind of have an idea where Jeff and I would have a son one day and I could name him after Jeff's deceased best friend. Right now, I'm bracing for the worst but hoping for the best. I just hope that whatever happens, we'll be strong enough to handle it. 

Maybe I didn't rant as much as I thought I would, but I thought I was getting a lot out. I'll post an in-depth post about my trip to NOLA and keep posting updates about my situation with Jeff and I.

Questioning my choices,
Sierra

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing.

I've decided to use my spring break to my advantage. I will not be able to post anything for a week, but it will be worth every minute. I will be rebuilding houses that were damaged by Katrina in New Orleans. I am leaving on March 3rd and I will be back on March 10th. I will be posting lots and lots of pictures of the work I did down there and the night life I experience after a long work day.

I'm so excited to be channeling my depression and anger into something completely unrelated. I'm going to be helping others while enjoying my life. I am so thrilled. I wish everyone had the chance to do what I'm doing.

What will I be doing for my second week of spring break? After purging my soul of all the hatred I've built up in the last week, I will be starting off with a clean slate. What does that mean? I'm bleaching my hair blonde. I haven't had my hair blonde (decent blonde, not orange blonde!) in a long time. I'm excited to see how this goes. I just want to be a new me that I'm happy with. I want to come back with a positive attitude. There's no point in continuing to be so down on myself when I did nothing wrong. I need to embrace myself, spoil myself, and think about myself. I don't need to worry about anyone else right now (other than those I'm helping in New Orleans.)

Having a wonderful date night with my laundry and essays,
Sierra

Turning Tables

It's funny how you can tell something is wrong, but you underestimate the situation completely. I knew my boyfriend and I were having problems, but I never realized that there was a chance he was cheating on me. At first, I just laughed. I tried to tell myself that it was his loss and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but I can't help but feel guilty that I wasn't good enough for him. He really had to go to another girl to see that his life was just the way he wanted. I'm not sure how long he was dating the other girl. I know that he publicly posted on Facebook that she was his. It shouldn't bother me, yet I feel an ache in my heart.

He's hardly worth the tears I'm starting to cry, but I want him to know just how bad I feel. I wanted to give him all I could. I want him to know that I did all I could. I thought I was a good girlfriend, but I wasn't. Now, I honestly wonder what else God will have in store for me. I fell hard for the guy. He was someone that I could be goofy with, and we were good at first. I'm not sure what changed between us. It took one day for us to fall head over heels and one night for us to fall apart.

Wanting to start over,
Sierra

Count Your Blessings.

Today, my university had a career fair. Although I'm only a freshman in meteorology, it was nice to go see the people that I could establish myself with. It was amazing to see all the opportunities that will await me when I'm finished with school. It was funny when most of the representatives for the internships were saying "If you ever feel that meteorology is not your field...", considering I've wanted to be a meteorologist since I was in 4th grade. I have to say the weirdest part of the day was being dressed up in a business casual dress and heels. When I walked through the place where I work, all my coworkers had their eyes on me and told me how beautiful I looked. It was truly amazing that so many people were so considerate and have so much faith in me.

I've struggled with depression since I was in 8th grade. It has been the hardest time of my life, learning to cope with the situations around me. My self-image has been the one thing that has suffered the most through my depression. I have been through things that are unthinkable. Things that I'm not proud to admit to, but sometimes, I need to be honest with myself to accept the situation. It is the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I can do for myself.

Today, I started to feel down on myself for no reason. This is common with depression, along with lack of energy, lack of appetite, and other symptoms. I started to feel this today, and when I looked at a text message from my girlfriend, all I could do was thank God for the life I have. I'm alive and well. I have a job with coworkers who respect me and are willing to teach me along the way. They support me in all that I do, because we are a family in a different way. I have friends like Kiera, who is with me in the picture to the left. I have 2 sets of parents who love me deeply and care about my well-being. I have 3 beautiful sisters who I can trust. I have a brother who will always protect me. I have a God who loves me. I have angels who guide me. I have it made.

Next time you start to feel down, think about all the wonderful things in your life. No matter how horrible things seem, there could always be something worse. Life is not to be wasted. There is only one you, so live as yourself. Live fearlessly and confidently.

Strutting in my Perry the Platypus pjs, fearlessly,
Sierra

What Really Matters In Life...

Dealing with the stress of being an adult, I can understand that there are going to be things that I desire or complain about. Ever since I started my classes at the university I'm currently attending, I've went through a lot of stress and whining. I'll be honest, I whined a lot to my parents. I hated that I was broke (still am, actually.) I didn't like working 17 hours a week for my jobs, on top of the 17 credit hours I was taking for my major. It was a lot to cope with. On top of the reality of entering the work force and college, I was adjusting to being almost 4 hours away from any family.

I'll admit, I'm used to being pampered with parents who are home for dinner and have family night. I'm used to falling asleep with a dog in my bed, and knowing I'll wake up to a parent home, or to breakfast. I lived a pampered life. Now that I'm in college, I wake up to a dorm room that resembles prison walls. I wake up to a girl that was a complete stranger to me, and still is. I wake up to a messy room with dishes, homework, books scattered around, laundry, and a list of things that I wish were different. There have been times where I've let my depression get the best of me, and I was lazy all day. I wouldn't get up and see friends. I would stay in my dorm, attempt to clean, and ignore the world. It was something that I knew wasn't right, yet I continued it because I felt I deserved it. I felt that was more important.

Now that I've been through a full semester of college, I can say that I've learned what really matters in life. While I do despise that I'm broke, I understand that the money isn't what is important. It is the benefit of learning new skills and meeting new people. It is the benefit of learning to communicate in the work place. Instead of dreading my homework, I understand it is the opportunity to educate myself on the things I want to be around in the future. Instead of looking at the dreary side of being on my own, I consider it a chance to show my parents how much they have influenced me over the years. I'll admit that I regress in age when I come home, but I try to stay on my best behavior. I have not always been the perfect child, and I want to show them that they can trust me to be on my own without making bad choices.

On top of the little things in life, I understand the bigger picture. Being in college, I understand that the people I interact with now are going to be the network of people that I continue to see and connect with for the rest of my life. The things that I considered to be problems in high school, I can look back and use that to strengthen myself. As for the laundry list of whining and complaining, I understand that these things are not burdens. They are a gift. Why do I see these as gifts? They are evidence that I'm alive and I have a purpose. It's not that God is toying with my emotions and seeing how much I can take. God is trying to help me understand that I was blessed with my life. Not everyone will have the opportunities that I have now.

Moral of today: Don't look at the fine details and wish for something better. What you consider to be "shit", "crappy", "bull" etc., others would kill for. When we complain that our lives are terrible, there is someone out there who has it much worse than we do. Thank God for every day that we have, and all the opporunities we face, no matter how tiring, annoying, and miniscule they may be.

Glass half full, not half empty,
Sierra

Reality Check: Life

"It's always darkest just before the dawn.
So stay awake with me, let's prove them wrong." -Rise Against, Make It Stop (September's Children)

One thing I've had to come to terms with is the fact that I will lose people I've encountered along the way. My first true loss was a friend that I had met in high school. He was considered to be a trouble maker in my school. After hearing what a reputation he had, I had my stereotypes for him. Once I met him, he turned out to be one of the sweetest, goofiest, and most lively person I ever met! I was no where near close friends with him, but he was someone that kept me company when I was forced to stay after school until I could get picked up by my dad or stepdad.

I was in my dorm room when I was on Facebook, and I came across his profile. I thought it was a sick joke when someone posted that Erik had died. I have had friends post that someone died and it turned out to be a joke. My horrors became a reality when I found his Facebook profile, filled with information about his visitation and his funeral. Although I was not close to him, I was shaken to the core. I immedately started crying. It came so quickly. I lost all control I had for my emotions. My roommate and I aren't on speaking terms, so she just saw I was crying and looked perplexed. When I investigated further, I found out Erik had died 2 weeks before I had found out. I'm not sure what caused more pain for me: knowing I had lost a friend, or that it took me 2 weeks to find out that he had passed. When my best friend got out of class, we met up in the main part of campus to go sit and talk. As soon as she saw me, she embraced me and I lost it, again. It was so hard to cope with the idea that I couldn't say goodbye to him. I knew God was going to take care of him.

God works in mysterious ways.


Within 2 days, I was attempting to go to classes without crying. I was lacking in sleep. I was running late for my calculus lab when I was stopped outside the Engineering building. An older man was passing out pocket bibles. I didn't think about it. I accepted the offer, considering I didn't own a bible. I wanted one so I could read it. Sure enough, when I walked out of my lab, I checked my Facebook on my phone. It was then that I was starting to hate Facebook. A family friend posted a beautiful picture of a sunset. The caption mentioned a little girl, and apparently, she had passed around the same time that the woman had taken the picture. I was at a loss of words. I knew Kassie was diagnosed with leukemia a while back. She had battled for 2 years. I had seen her frequently around the neighborhood and within the schools. It never occurred to me that there was a possibility that her treatment would fail. She died surrounded by loved ones.

As much as I wanted to cry for her, I couldn't. I thought I had cried all I could for Erik, but I had to think about it. I sat in the cafeteria, staring at my phone and my newly acquired pocket bible. I called my mom and informed her that I knew about Kassie's passing. My mom was shocked to find out that it was the same little girl that we had known for years down the street. My mom also seemed to fascinated by the fact that I had gotten a pocket bible before I found out another person in my life had passed on. I didn't hesitate to associate it with God. Although I am not strictly religious, I have my faith in him. There is a higher power out there that is meant to protect us and love us. Sometimes, He needs to call us home to him. No matter the time or age, we must answer His call.

Why do I feel the need to talk about the loss of a loved one? It struck hard for me when a friend of mine posted that he was in shock on Facebook (which I'm starting to dislike.) I asked him if everything was alright and it was far from it. A friend of Sean's had committed suicide. Sean was distraught. I felt pure grief, although I didn't know the boy that had committed suicide. I knew the pain that Sean was feeling. In my heart, I know that we spend too much time obsessing with material posessions or wants that we could easily live without. We don't spend enough time thinking about others who are in our lives. We don't spend enough time drinking in the moments that mean the most to us.

As I write this, I'm thinking about how I grieved for so long. I felt pain for the loss of Erik and Kassie for one reason: They are no longer able to achieve their goals and dreams. Erik graduated high school. He had lived to an extent. Kassie was only a teenager. She had never even walked the halls of the high school. She had never had a true boyfriend and felt true love. She will never hold a child of her own or walk down the aisle for her wedding. It breaks my heart to think that God feels the need to call his children back so soon. At the same time, I know that we are meant to embrace life and become stronger through loss, because we are living for those who are gone. Next time you feel that you are upset, neglected, unloved, or that you do not have the standard of living that you desire, consider this: God walks with you down the trails of life. You will encounter so many different obstacles, including death. While you may want to worry about how your hair looks, or if you'll be able to buy the newest iPod, think about how you were blessed with this day. This moment. God showers you with the greatest gift of all every day: life.

To reconsider how I've been taking life forgranted, I've decided I'm going to take a few days out of a month. I'm going to put my hair up, let my natural beauty shine through, and forget whatever I'm stressed about. I'm blessed with each and every day. There are people I've lost who were called home. I want to live my life for them as well. I know they're watching me and walking with me.

Peace, Love, and God,
Sierra