When Your Parent Becomes More Than A Parent

Dessert after graduation

I've been feeling really down recently, and I'm not sure why. I know that I've been under a lot of stress because I've been thinking about classes and I've been working a lot. I think there has also been a great deal of tension between my dad and I. Before I left to come back to Indiana, I spent my last night at home in tears. My father was working 24 hours, which I could understand. His fiancee was with her mom. She did not come home until midnight. I was crying to my dad that I wanted someone to be home with me. It truly stung to have to sit at home all day, by myself. It was my last night home before returning to my school which is 4 hours away. He could understand, and he wanted to be there with me. His fiancee was another story.

"I was home with you all break. Today was the only day I was not with you" -My stepmom, on my feeling lonely.

She was so rude to me the morning I left. I was trying to hard not to punch her. I was so disappointed in my father for not saying anything to her. She was trashing me and he said nothing to me. I was pissed off at him. I was horrified that he could let her say that I have serious mental issues and he said nothing. I didn't talk to him for a while when I left. I was upset.

When we started talking again, I realized how much he means to me. He is really one of my rocks. I love him more than I could ever explain. He tries to protect me from what he has been through. He wants the best for me, even though he doesn't have the opportunity to show me that. He wants me to be mentally healthy again. He wants me to feel beautiful and comfortable in my skin. He has watched me suffer for far too long. He was hit by a freight train of information when I started to tumble downhill. He learned that his little girl was violated, and taken advantage of. He had no idea that this had happened. He learned his daughter was smoking, and she felt the desire to self-mutilate. When I told him that I was raped, I've never seen my father cry so much. I watched my role model fall to his knees, wondering why I had to be the victim. I knew this was hard for him to cope with, only because he couldn't protect me.

My dad and I at my graduation.

Dad,

I know that I've been a pain in the ass. I've made choices that I know you're not happy with, but all those things made me grow into a stronger person. They've helped you become a stronger person as well. You're my parent, but you're also my friend. You're my role model. You're my rock. It will always be difficult for us, but we will always have each other. Blood runs deep, and that will always mean something to me. No matter who I meet. No matter where I go, you will always be the person I need in my life for support. I know it's hard for us to talk about what we feel, because we both can't cope with our emotions. I wanted to say this because I've been through so much recently. I know you're worried about my depression. I know you went through a time where you were concerned I wanted to be in heaven, instead of on earth. I know it's hard. Just give me time to show you how much you mean to me. We'll make it through, regardless of distance.

I love you Dad.

Thinking of him,
Sierra

Strength At Its Best

My one friend that I've had my ups and downs with was in the hospital today. She thought it was appendicitis. I was scared to death, considering we were on our own getting her to the hopsital and she didn't have her parents by her side. I know that there were RNs that looked down on my friends and I because of the fact that we're young and we wanted to see our friend. Friends don't apply when it comes to visitors that are important to a person, even in a college town.

Thinking while I was in the waiting room, I had to think about the fact that I was missing a night class for her. I was thinking about my financial stresses and work. I had a lot running through my mind. It was scary to have such concern for my friend then reflect on my own life. I looked up to see a wrestlemania commercial going on the TV. John Cena had a song playing with his clip, and it has became my new anthem. I love it, because I really do feel invincible, considering the things I go through. I've lost 2 friends to causes that weren't suicide. I've struggled giving up what I desire so horribly. I've struggled focusing on school. I've struggled with my family and staying connected. I want to listen to the positivity that surrounds me. I can't be positive with myself because I feel that I'm only human. I don't think that I'm anything. I know people want me to listen to what they have to say, but sometimes, it's hard to do that when you can't tell yourself that you are strong. You know the only truth that you are weak. You try to smile for friends, but cry in silence. You try to live, but inside, you're dying. You try to grow up, but you want to regress. You try to see the positives, but instead, you're living in the negatives. You try to dream, but instead, you fear what happens when you close your eyes.

"Voices in the air, I hear 'em loud and clear, telling me to listen, whispers in my ear, nothing can compare, I just want to listen, telling me I'm invincible, I am" -MGK, Invincible

Remembering I'm not Superman, but I'm invincible,
Sierra

Blood Will Always Be Thicker Than Water

My family is ridiculously big. Both of my parents remarried after their divorce in 2000, and my family has grown greatly. I now have 3 sisters and a brother (2, if you count my four-legged one.) I have many cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpas. It's a crazy life. It will always boil down to the original sisters though.

I have 2 blood sisters. My older sister is 22, and my younger sister is 14. I've always had issues with my sisters, like any girl has. It almost seemed abnormally abusive with my sisters. It was not always something where we would fight and get over it within an hour. It was to the point where my older sister and I hardly spoke. We were always pissed off at each other. It was one of the hardest things of my life to cope with. My younger sister was becoming more outgoing and it got to the point where I would say "fuck you" to her if she even bothered to come within the vicinity of my person. I was so tired of the abuse from my sisters and my mother that I decided to move in with my father. My older sister looked down on me because she sacrificed so much for my younger sister and I when I was in grade school. She basically said it wasn't fair that she had to suffer and I'm getting off easy. I was torn up from the horrible things my sister would say about my father and myself. We went for months without talking. It took a text message for us to finally talk.

When we made up, it put me at a peace that wouldn't last. I changed high schools my junior year of high school, and my family was not supportive about it at all. My sister and brother had graduated from the same high school, and my little sisters are going to graduate from there too. I'm the only one to graduate from another school. My mother took this very hard as well. She cried before my graduation telling me that I needed to be at my old school. That was my true place, yet I felt insecure there. She does not know of the horrors that I faced in those hallways. My sisters will never know of the horrors that I dream of.

When I accepted my admission to the university I'm at, my family didn't seem to let it set in their mind that I would be out of state. I would be far away from them, and I would be living my life without them. It was a foreign concept. When my final 2 weeks in Michigan came, it seemed to be real. I was packing up my boxes for school. I was having going away/birthday parties since I wouldn't be in Michigan for my birthday. My sisters seemed to realize how much we needed each other in the last month I was in Michigan. My older sister came to support me, bringing me things for school, and writing a letter telling me to call/text/facebook her. It was the first time in a long time that I felt a connection with my sister. She really did understand what I was going through. Even if she was only 20 minutes away from home, she still had a similar experience as a freshman in college. It created a tie that my parents were amazed at. My younger sister didn't show that she would miss me so much. I don't think it settled in until she was on the way back to Michigan without me.

The first month of school was crazy, but it showed how much love my sisters and I have for each other now that we are older. We have truly matured. My sister and I texted almost every day. It was a daily thing for me to call her during our break for chapel. It was common for my sister and I to send pictures and update each other on everything going on. It was the best feeling knowing I had my older sister to understand my life. My little sister and I don't talk a lot, but I love that my sister is making an effort to talk to me more. I was most upset about leaving her during her freshman year of high school. She doesn't have the same guidance I had when I was a freshman in high school. Now that she has a handle on things, she texts, calls and skypes me. It amazes me that it took my moving away for us to become the unit we are now. I've never felt more love from my sisters. I've never felt more love from my mother, stepfather, father, stepmother, and every relative in between. At the end of the day, blood is thicker than water. No matter who I meet and jokingly call "grandma", "mom", "dad" etc., I will always know who brought me into this world and raised me.

Getting ready for a skype date with the sister,
Sierra

Here's to The Inevitable

I find it hard to believe that at 18 years old, I know of 8 girls who either are pregnant or have children. One girl has 2 kids... and they are only 10 months apart. A friend of mine had her beautiful little girl today, and I was brought to tears by the pictures of her. Lillian Mae is one of the most precious babies I have ever seen in my life, and I'm so proud of my friend for giving her all in this pregnancy. I know that she will be a great mother down the line. I know that all my other friends have given up a lot to be a mom, and that they are all great in their own ways. Although I know they are great moms, and that is how I will always see them now, I never thought they'd be moms when I first met them. It's hard to believe that this is how things are going now, and it will only get worse with the times. The media portrays sex and pregnancy as something "cute" or "normal", but they don't portray the stress that comes along with it. They don't understand that babies are crying all hours of the day. Pregnancy will drain you physically and emotionally. It will change your life... forever.

Something I wish all schools would enstate is a parenting class. I took parenting my senior year of high school. I had to wear an empathy belly around school and I wore it outside of school. I felt uncomfortable squeezing into desks. People were constantly touching my belly and commenting on how I looked. Although many knew it was fake, there were still people who talked smack about me. I also had the chance to take care of a baby simulator. It was the hardest time of my life. It was only a doll, and I struggled. A doll does not breathe, and desire to play. I was drained from staying up all hours of the night, changing and feeding a crying baby. I fell asleep with the baby on my chest, attempting to burp it. I was at a loss of words when the baby would cry in class, and I would have to run out of the room, embarrassed. It showed me only a fraction of what I'd have to do, and it was hard.

Ever since I learned a childhood friend of mine was pregnant, I've been scared of growing up. I've been afraid of what is going to happen down the line. I know that it is inevitable, but I can't help being afraid. I knew that I was growing up when I hit senior year of high school. I felt more grown up when I went to college orientation. It was real when I moved into my dorm. It hit me like a freight train when I saw more pictures of babies than my friends.

To anyone who feels that they want kids, know this:

• Kids are beautiful, but your childhood is YOURS... does not mean you're meant to have a child. You will have plenty of years for it to happen down the line.
• Sometimes, accidents happen. We learn from the past. Whatever you choose for your child, you are doing the right thing. Whether you choose abortion, adoption, or acceptance, you are doing what you feel is right for your child. DO NOT let haters tell you that you're doing the wrong thing. They can get off their high horse. No one is perfect.
• It's perfectly normal to get a job and go to school and be in a relationship. Just don't for get to laugh or make a sex joke every now and then. Draw a mustache on your finger. You need to remember that you are a kid yourself.

 Love and mustaches,
Sierra

Time to Grow Up...

When I first wrote this blog, I was going on a rant about how I thought my friend was being stupid. I thought she was being immature, but I'm no better. If she read this, then I'd hope she'd understand that I have been under a great deal of stress. I have been busy with work, school, a girlfriend, friend issues, and family. Let me explain...

1. Work: I've brought up my hours from working 4.5 hours a week to 12 hours a week. That is quite a jump for me. I'm thankful for the opportunity to gain experience in the workforce, even if it is with food. That has taken up a majority of my time. I'm almost concerned with how much I am working, due to the fact that my GPA is not spectacular. My father was quite irritated that I fudged the truth about my grades, mostly because I was not ready to hear him scold me for not being ready for the responsibility of being an adult and school. I am, but I cope with things differently than he understands.

2. School: Being a meteorology major, I automatically minor in mathematics. When I took Calc I first semester, I was in a class with a foreign professor. His accent was thick, and his teaching style was one that I was not accustomed to. He did not explain the mechanics of things. He just did it and hoped that we would get it. I failed the class. I need a certain GPA to keep my major, and that is my biggest fear. My hopes for this semester is to get a 3.0 GPA. I wouldn't admit it to myself that I want something so big, but I really do. Having someone who I do get distracted by in one of my classes is not a good thing. I had to take initiative to pay attention. I can't fail. I hope you understand that.

3. A girlfriend: Yes, she doesn't take up all my time, but I don't want to ruin this. She is my one chance to be happy with someone of the same sex. I haven't had a girlfriend to hold and love in a while. Relationships aren't my biggest concern, but Krys keeps me sane. Through everything I've been through, she has been there. She understands what emotional stress I'm under. She motivates me to keep my grades up. She motivates me to get involved in my classes. Knowing I have a chance of having my girlfriend come to this university with me, and seeing her all the time is the greatest feeling ever. I'd love to see her daily and remind her how beautiful she is and how special she is to me. She makes me complete.

4. Friend problems: You know about everything with Sean. I've been talking to Danielle and Sean the most because Dani and I are worried for Sean. We want him to be OK more than anything. I love you, and you know I do. Sean is my biggest concern right now. You don't have the same issues Sean does. Not to mention, you have been changing. I know this isn't the best way to say it, but you have changed ever since you entered the world of greek life. I understand that having sisters is a good thing for you. I just hope that you don't completely change. I loved you for who you were before. Your sisters should too! You were spazzy, and honest. I know that you and I have been like a ball and chain since the beginning of the year, but sometimes, we need our space. Now that we have it, it seems like we're just ready to hurt each other, rather than comfort each other. I don't like that. I miss you, but it's hard to keep a friendship when it is so bipolar.

5. Family: I thought I could handle things on my own, but it's hard when my own step mother seems to detest me. She doesn't understand that I do appreciate the family time when I am home. To be left alone my last night at home before I returned to Indiana was the harshest punishment to date. I felt neglected at home, and she pretended I was being dramatic. She told me I'm lazy and have serious mental issues. I have nothing wrong with me. I'm not allowed to fib because I don't want to play with a 6 year old? I'm sorry. That's not my fault that I don't do well with age gaps. I appreciate all that she does, but she needs to understand that I'm 18. I can only do so much before I need to be with someone my own age. To have my own father agree with her stings the most. He knows how much progress I made, and I thought I was fine. Apparently not. It's hard to communicate from 200 miles away.

Maybe I am the one that needs to grow up, but I will admit to my flaws. I will own up to the problems I face. God knows what I'm capable of, and He will guide me in my time of need. I have felt so hopeless the last few days. I've been watching the most positive person in my life struggle with loss. It's hard to be the strong one for the strongest person I know. It's heartbreaking to know that he cannot stand on his own right now. He's usually my shoulder to cry on. I wish things would play out differently. God seems to be testing my emotional strength quite a bit, because I cannot believe how many tears I've shed over the weeks. Death and depression has been surrounding me. I will be the better person. I will not hurt anyone around me with my decisions. I have been down this road before, and I want to stop the pain. I will not hurt myself anymore.

Wishing this would get easier,
Sierra

What Really Matters In Life...

Dealing with the stress of being an adult, I can understand that there are going to be things that I desire or complain about. Ever since I started my classes at the university I'm currently attending, I've went through a lot of stress and whining. I'll be honest, I whined a lot to my parents. I hated that I was broke (still am, actually.) I didn't like working 17 hours a week for my jobs, on top of the 17 credit hours I was taking for my major. It was a lot to cope with. On top of the reality of entering the work force and college, I was adjusting to being almost 4 hours away from any family.

I'll admit, I'm used to being pampered with parents who are home for dinner and have family night. I'm used to falling asleep with a dog in my bed, and knowing I'll wake up to a parent home, or to breakfast. I lived a pampered life. Now that I'm in college, I wake up to a dorm room that resembles prison walls. I wake up to a girl that was a complete stranger to me, and still is. I wake up to a messy room with dishes, homework, books scattered around, laundry, and a list of things that I wish were different. There have been times where I've let my depression get the best of me, and I was lazy all day. I wouldn't get up and see friends. I would stay in my dorm, attempt to clean, and ignore the world. It was something that I knew wasn't right, yet I continued it because I felt I deserved it. I felt that was more important.

Now that I've been through a full semester of college, I can say that I've learned what really matters in life. While I do despise that I'm broke, I understand that the money isn't what is important. It is the benefit of learning new skills and meeting new people. It is the benefit of learning to communicate in the work place. Instead of dreading my homework, I understand it is the opportunity to educate myself on the things I want to be around in the future. Instead of looking at the dreary side of being on my own, I consider it a chance to show my parents how much they have influenced me over the years. I'll admit that I regress in age when I come home, but I try to stay on my best behavior. I have not always been the perfect child, and I want to show them that they can trust me to be on my own without making bad choices.

On top of the little things in life, I understand the bigger picture. Being in college, I understand that the people I interact with now are going to be the network of people that I continue to see and connect with for the rest of my life. The things that I considered to be problems in high school, I can look back and use that to strengthen myself. As for the laundry list of whining and complaining, I understand that these things are not burdens. They are a gift. Why do I see these as gifts? They are evidence that I'm alive and I have a purpose. It's not that God is toying with my emotions and seeing how much I can take. God is trying to help me understand that I was blessed with my life. Not everyone will have the opportunities that I have now.

Moral of today: Don't look at the fine details and wish for something better. What you consider to be "shit", "crappy", "bull" etc., others would kill for. When we complain that our lives are terrible, there is someone out there who has it much worse than we do. Thank God for every day that we have, and all the opporunities we face, no matter how tiring, annoying, and miniscule they may be.

Glass half full, not half empty,
Sierra