When Your Parent Becomes More Than A Parent

Dessert after graduation

I've been feeling really down recently, and I'm not sure why. I know that I've been under a lot of stress because I've been thinking about classes and I've been working a lot. I think there has also been a great deal of tension between my dad and I. Before I left to come back to Indiana, I spent my last night at home in tears. My father was working 24 hours, which I could understand. His fiancee was with her mom. She did not come home until midnight. I was crying to my dad that I wanted someone to be home with me. It truly stung to have to sit at home all day, by myself. It was my last night home before returning to my school which is 4 hours away. He could understand, and he wanted to be there with me. His fiancee was another story.

"I was home with you all break. Today was the only day I was not with you" -My stepmom, on my feeling lonely.

She was so rude to me the morning I left. I was trying to hard not to punch her. I was so disappointed in my father for not saying anything to her. She was trashing me and he said nothing to me. I was pissed off at him. I was horrified that he could let her say that I have serious mental issues and he said nothing. I didn't talk to him for a while when I left. I was upset.

When we started talking again, I realized how much he means to me. He is really one of my rocks. I love him more than I could ever explain. He tries to protect me from what he has been through. He wants the best for me, even though he doesn't have the opportunity to show me that. He wants me to be mentally healthy again. He wants me to feel beautiful and comfortable in my skin. He has watched me suffer for far too long. He was hit by a freight train of information when I started to tumble downhill. He learned that his little girl was violated, and taken advantage of. He had no idea that this had happened. He learned his daughter was smoking, and she felt the desire to self-mutilate. When I told him that I was raped, I've never seen my father cry so much. I watched my role model fall to his knees, wondering why I had to be the victim. I knew this was hard for him to cope with, only because he couldn't protect me.

My dad and I at my graduation.

Dad,

I know that I've been a pain in the ass. I've made choices that I know you're not happy with, but all those things made me grow into a stronger person. They've helped you become a stronger person as well. You're my parent, but you're also my friend. You're my role model. You're my rock. It will always be difficult for us, but we will always have each other. Blood runs deep, and that will always mean something to me. No matter who I meet. No matter where I go, you will always be the person I need in my life for support. I know it's hard for us to talk about what we feel, because we both can't cope with our emotions. I wanted to say this because I've been through so much recently. I know you're worried about my depression. I know you went through a time where you were concerned I wanted to be in heaven, instead of on earth. I know it's hard. Just give me time to show you how much you mean to me. We'll make it through, regardless of distance.

I love you Dad.

Thinking of him,
Sierra