In Too Deep

I've been away from this for far too long. I could rant for a long time about everything that is on my mind. I guess I plan on doing that anyways.

• Spring break: I went to the wonderful city of New Orleans for a service trip. It was AMAZING! Every single person I met in New Orleans was remarkable in their own way. I felt that I got the experience I wanted. I was able to hear such beautiful stories, meet amazing people, and do the work I hoped to do. Although I had a different impression of what I would be doing when I was down there, I enjoyed everything I did. While I went to many different places for work, each person said the same thing. The service we were giving was no longer about literally rebuilding New Orleans. It was about rebuilding the community. People were so traumatized by Katrina when it struck in 2005 that many did not want to return to New Orleans. Many couldn't afford to live in NOLA anymore. People had no sense of community anymore. Being down there, I was able to give these people a chance to speak their minds and rebuild connections they lost. It was the best experience of my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
• Love: As much as I resented Jeff, I managed to make amends with him. I'm happily taken by him yet again. Things are getting better. Our communication is a little rough, but we're happy together. I know that he made a mistake and I shouldn't be so willing to forgive, but I can't help it. I needed to think for a while and when I tried to think about another guy, I felt as if it was wrong. I needed Jeff in my life. There was something about him that I couldn't shake. I love him. I honestly do. I know he loves me too. He is still on a leash though. He did make a mistake. My friends don't exactly approve, but I'm happy with him. I told them that he fooled me once. Shame on him. Fool me twice? Shame on me. I'm willing to make it work, but he has to meet me halfway.
• Surprises: While Jeff and I managed to rekindle our relationship, I'm finding that I may be joining the statistics. I don't want to publicly say that I'm pregnant, but I wouldn't be surprised if I was. The hardest part of this realization: I don't know if I could go through with an abortion. I was reading up on it, and it scared the shit out of me. I love Jeff. I would love to spend forever with him, but there is no possible way I can have a child at my age. Yes, I would like kids one day with him maybe. As much as I think this is wrong for me, I kind of have an idea where Jeff and I would have a son one day and I could name him after Jeff's deceased best friend. Right now, I'm bracing for the worst but hoping for the best. I just hope that whatever happens, we'll be strong enough to handle it. 

Maybe I didn't rant as much as I thought I would, but I thought I was getting a lot out. I'll post an in-depth post about my trip to NOLA and keep posting updates about my situation with Jeff and I.

Questioning my choices,
Sierra

Here's to The Inevitable

I find it hard to believe that at 18 years old, I know of 8 girls who either are pregnant or have children. One girl has 2 kids... and they are only 10 months apart. A friend of mine had her beautiful little girl today, and I was brought to tears by the pictures of her. Lillian Mae is one of the most precious babies I have ever seen in my life, and I'm so proud of my friend for giving her all in this pregnancy. I know that she will be a great mother down the line. I know that all my other friends have given up a lot to be a mom, and that they are all great in their own ways. Although I know they are great moms, and that is how I will always see them now, I never thought they'd be moms when I first met them. It's hard to believe that this is how things are going now, and it will only get worse with the times. The media portrays sex and pregnancy as something "cute" or "normal", but they don't portray the stress that comes along with it. They don't understand that babies are crying all hours of the day. Pregnancy will drain you physically and emotionally. It will change your life... forever.

Something I wish all schools would enstate is a parenting class. I took parenting my senior year of high school. I had to wear an empathy belly around school and I wore it outside of school. I felt uncomfortable squeezing into desks. People were constantly touching my belly and commenting on how I looked. Although many knew it was fake, there were still people who talked smack about me. I also had the chance to take care of a baby simulator. It was the hardest time of my life. It was only a doll, and I struggled. A doll does not breathe, and desire to play. I was drained from staying up all hours of the night, changing and feeding a crying baby. I fell asleep with the baby on my chest, attempting to burp it. I was at a loss of words when the baby would cry in class, and I would have to run out of the room, embarrassed. It showed me only a fraction of what I'd have to do, and it was hard.

Ever since I learned a childhood friend of mine was pregnant, I've been scared of growing up. I've been afraid of what is going to happen down the line. I know that it is inevitable, but I can't help being afraid. I knew that I was growing up when I hit senior year of high school. I felt more grown up when I went to college orientation. It was real when I moved into my dorm. It hit me like a freight train when I saw more pictures of babies than my friends.

To anyone who feels that they want kids, know this:

• Kids are beautiful, but your childhood is YOURS... does not mean you're meant to have a child. You will have plenty of years for it to happen down the line.
• Sometimes, accidents happen. We learn from the past. Whatever you choose for your child, you are doing the right thing. Whether you choose abortion, adoption, or acceptance, you are doing what you feel is right for your child. DO NOT let haters tell you that you're doing the wrong thing. They can get off their high horse. No one is perfect.
• It's perfectly normal to get a job and go to school and be in a relationship. Just don't for get to laugh or make a sex joke every now and then. Draw a mustache on your finger. You need to remember that you are a kid yourself.

 Love and mustaches,
Sierra