Down.

I hate when I reach that point. If you've ever suffered from depression, you understand what point I'm talking about. That point where you feel your heart racing, not from excitement. You feel the tears welling in your eyes, and they won't come out. You feel your breathing shallow up because something is holding your chest and making it hard to breathe on your own. It's hard when I feel that need to cut. I already let Jeff down once this week. I don't want to ruin this anymore. I fucked up. I know damn well that I messed up, and I have to get ready to leave him for 2 weeks. I want to feel safe. I want to be able to trust myself with him and by myself. I want to feel comfort with the people I'm around and my family. I want to be able to talk to him when I'm feeling this way. So far, I just want a cigarette and to cry.

Trying not to break,
Sierra

So Soon...

I always thought relationships had to go to a certain length of time before we could have problems... I haven't even reached 2 weeks with my boyfriend and I'm already having problems with him. I'm not sure what to do... I've already fallen victim to myself. I cut again last night. It felt incredible to have control over something again, but I can say that my friends weren't so thrilled with my choice. It was hard for them to listen to me explain my situation. They're more pissed off at my boyfriend, simply because he wasn't there for me when I have been there for him. I've never seen my friends so mad.... especially at me. Nichol was embracing, when she let me cry and took me to a counseling center to make an appointment for an in-take. They want me to be better, and I love them so much for it.

My boyfriend is mad at me. He doesn't take well to my cutting. He has no room to talk, because he has scars of his own. I know he's upset. I told him the truth and I promised him I'll stop. I just wish things would get better. It feels too soon to be broken. I don't want to cry because of him. I don't want to lose him. I know I made a mistake. I just wish he'd understand where I'm coming from.

Hoping I won't be lonely,
Sierra