Closure

I always considered closure to be talking and coming to an understanding about what happened. You're never going to understand what happened. You're never going to understand why it happened. You just have to cope with the fact it happened. It's hard to talk to someone you're mad at. I learned that the hard way. My ex and I were fighting the whole time we were "talking." It was just constant bickering. We couldn't even be face to face because it would have caused so much hell in my life.

Today, I had to see Jeff one more time. I didn't get his approval to see him. I had my friend, Sara, take me to get something of mine from his house. I almost didn't see him, but he answered my friend, Sara's phone call instead of mine. I almost fell over looking into his eyes. It hurt knowing he was looking at me with disconnection instead of love. I wanted him to give me a kiss and tell me he loves me. Instead, he handed over my stuff, had a short conversation with me, and I walked off, aching, but dignity in tact.

I bawled. I lost it when I was in the car. For whatever reason, Jeff actually chose to text me after I left. We both agreed we were better off friends. I felt ok. For the first time, I felt like I could see him with another girl and I'd be ok. It didn't hurt to see him post anything. I feel... relieved.

I don't hate him. I hope he makes good choices for himself, and he gets the help he needs. One thing I will remember forever from this relationship: "You are not the mistakes you have made."

I made my mistakes with him, but that doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make Jeff a bad person. We both just need to learn and carry on.

Feeling a little stronger,
Sierra

Try Again.

Right now, I can say I feel numb. In the midst of all I've been going through, I've managed to break up with Jeff, yet again. No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be good enough for someone that I love so much. It just seems like he is out to hurt me whenever we get back together. He has been nothing but selfish. He has been abusive and I've been blinded by the positive affection he gave me when we were alone. Whenever it came to his friends, he would be kind of abusive. I gave him everything... and that was so wrong of me.

My friends have been my support. They have been the best friends a girl could ask for. I've never seen Kiera cry, but she cried as she tried to tell me how wrong Jeff was for me. She was bawling telling me how much I was hurting. How much I suffered with him. She was truly hurt watching me stay with him. I didn't understand how much of a mistake he and I were until I saw her tears. She knew all along that I deserved better, but she was going to let me be happy. I was happy with him. He wasn't always perfect for me, but there were times where I just felt loved and that he was the best boyfriend.

Sam was silent with rage. She's trying to be the emotional support for my pregnancy situation that Jeff never was. She wants to be there for me with whatever decision I make. She doesn't understand the concept of love because she has never fallen in love. She does know the pain of a breakup, but she doesn't understand when you tell someone you love them and you break up. She doesn't understand my situation completely, but she's putting her opinions aside about it. She knows how I feel and she wants to see me smile again. She's doing anything to see me smile again.

Amanda is trying to hard not to murder anyone. Jeff was on her shit list from the beginning. She could trust him as far as she could throw him. She didn't say I told you so though when I told her we broke up because he was being a selfish asshole. She was supportive. When I read the conversation out loud, I got applause for how I handled it. They were surprised I could see what was wrong with our relationship. I could see how wrong he was and I stood up for myself. Jeff probably wasn't expecting me to tell him off, but I needed to. I'm suffering more than he is. I was done. 

Because of my friends, I think I want to get a tattoo for them. I know it sounds weird, but I love them. They are the best friends that I could ask for. They are my angels. My rocks. My support. My love. They are the best friends I could have ever met in college. They are the kind of people I want to be in my life forever. I hope they know that, because they really are the most important people in my life besides my family.

All because of you, I believe in angels,
Not the kind with wings, no, not the kind with halos
The kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place

I love them. Thank you guys for being in my life.

Trying to rebuild the pieces,
Sierra

In Too Deep

I've been away from this for far too long. I could rant for a long time about everything that is on my mind. I guess I plan on doing that anyways.

• Spring break: I went to the wonderful city of New Orleans for a service trip. It was AMAZING! Every single person I met in New Orleans was remarkable in their own way. I felt that I got the experience I wanted. I was able to hear such beautiful stories, meet amazing people, and do the work I hoped to do. Although I had a different impression of what I would be doing when I was down there, I enjoyed everything I did. While I went to many different places for work, each person said the same thing. The service we were giving was no longer about literally rebuilding New Orleans. It was about rebuilding the community. People were so traumatized by Katrina when it struck in 2005 that many did not want to return to New Orleans. Many couldn't afford to live in NOLA anymore. People had no sense of community anymore. Being down there, I was able to give these people a chance to speak their minds and rebuild connections they lost. It was the best experience of my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
• Love: As much as I resented Jeff, I managed to make amends with him. I'm happily taken by him yet again. Things are getting better. Our communication is a little rough, but we're happy together. I know that he made a mistake and I shouldn't be so willing to forgive, but I can't help it. I needed to think for a while and when I tried to think about another guy, I felt as if it was wrong. I needed Jeff in my life. There was something about him that I couldn't shake. I love him. I honestly do. I know he loves me too. He is still on a leash though. He did make a mistake. My friends don't exactly approve, but I'm happy with him. I told them that he fooled me once. Shame on him. Fool me twice? Shame on me. I'm willing to make it work, but he has to meet me halfway.
• Surprises: While Jeff and I managed to rekindle our relationship, I'm finding that I may be joining the statistics. I don't want to publicly say that I'm pregnant, but I wouldn't be surprised if I was. The hardest part of this realization: I don't know if I could go through with an abortion. I was reading up on it, and it scared the shit out of me. I love Jeff. I would love to spend forever with him, but there is no possible way I can have a child at my age. Yes, I would like kids one day with him maybe. As much as I think this is wrong for me, I kind of have an idea where Jeff and I would have a son one day and I could name him after Jeff's deceased best friend. Right now, I'm bracing for the worst but hoping for the best. I just hope that whatever happens, we'll be strong enough to handle it. 

Maybe I didn't rant as much as I thought I would, but I thought I was getting a lot out. I'll post an in-depth post about my trip to NOLA and keep posting updates about my situation with Jeff and I.

Questioning my choices,
Sierra

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing.

I've decided to use my spring break to my advantage. I will not be able to post anything for a week, but it will be worth every minute. I will be rebuilding houses that were damaged by Katrina in New Orleans. I am leaving on March 3rd and I will be back on March 10th. I will be posting lots and lots of pictures of the work I did down there and the night life I experience after a long work day.

I'm so excited to be channeling my depression and anger into something completely unrelated. I'm going to be helping others while enjoying my life. I am so thrilled. I wish everyone had the chance to do what I'm doing.

What will I be doing for my second week of spring break? After purging my soul of all the hatred I've built up in the last week, I will be starting off with a clean slate. What does that mean? I'm bleaching my hair blonde. I haven't had my hair blonde (decent blonde, not orange blonde!) in a long time. I'm excited to see how this goes. I just want to be a new me that I'm happy with. I want to come back with a positive attitude. There's no point in continuing to be so down on myself when I did nothing wrong. I need to embrace myself, spoil myself, and think about myself. I don't need to worry about anyone else right now (other than those I'm helping in New Orleans.)

Having a wonderful date night with my laundry and essays,
Sierra

Turning Pages

I'm still broken. I'll admit that I still care about Jeff, regardless of the fact he broke my heart. He cheated on me. Now my only question is why. I want to know so badly that I think it's killing me more than anything else. I finally started therapy at my university, and within minutes, I was crying. I was pouring my heart out to her, and I just felt all the hatred and disappointment rise in me. It was in there, but I felt more depression than anything before I had the chance to talk to someone else about it. Someone who was not biased by being friends with me.

I started talking to my ex recently, and my ex and I were in an on-off relationship for years. When I told him just how upset I was about Jeff, he told me not to think about it. It's hard for me because I was so close to Jeff in a short amount of time. Kenny started telling me that trust issues will only rise up from thinking about his stupidity. He's right. I'm not going to be able to trust anyone if I'm only thinking about Jeff's mistakes. He isn't really worth the tears. I just can't help but think. There are so many emotions in me that I didn't know could come out that it's scaring me. I just want things to go back to normal. I wish I wasn't so broken, and I wish I could forget about Jeff. It's just so hard when love falls through and the one you cared about cheats on you.

What are my goals right now: turn the page. I swore up and down I fell for Jeff to the point I could say I loved him. I never said it to him, and that's probably a good thing. I just need to breathe. I'm hoping to let things go better over my spring break. I'm going to make some changes for the better and I'm going to embrace my beauty. If he didn't appreciate me, someone else will.

Thinking positively,
Sierra

Turning Tables

It's funny how you can tell something is wrong, but you underestimate the situation completely. I knew my boyfriend and I were having problems, but I never realized that there was a chance he was cheating on me. At first, I just laughed. I tried to tell myself that it was his loss and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but I can't help but feel guilty that I wasn't good enough for him. He really had to go to another girl to see that his life was just the way he wanted. I'm not sure how long he was dating the other girl. I know that he publicly posted on Facebook that she was his. It shouldn't bother me, yet I feel an ache in my heart.

He's hardly worth the tears I'm starting to cry, but I want him to know just how bad I feel. I wanted to give him all I could. I want him to know that I did all I could. I thought I was a good girlfriend, but I wasn't. Now, I honestly wonder what else God will have in store for me. I fell hard for the guy. He was someone that I could be goofy with, and we were good at first. I'm not sure what changed between us. It took one day for us to fall head over heels and one night for us to fall apart.

Wanting to start over,
Sierra

When You're Wondering...

I've been going through a lot with my boyfriend recently, and I have to say, I've been so stressed out. I wasn't sure how to react to the things I was going through because I never had a boyfriend tell me I was clingy and I've never had horrible depression when I was with someone. I decided to go to my coworkers who are all older than me for relationship advice. It was quite amusing to see the variety in the responses.

George, who is 36 and the brother to one of the other cooks: If Dom could get married two times, then there is hope for you too! You're still young. Don't get hung up on a guy at your age.

Andrew, who is one of the younger guys that works with me: I just broke up with my girlfriend. She said I didn't spend enough money on her. Your boyfriend sounds like a prick. What a douchebag. Seriously, dump him next time you talk to him. Don't stay with someone who treats you like that. You're still a k-k-k-killaa. (inside joke)

Cathy, who is very opinionated: Don't care. Seriously, just don't give a shit emotionally. If you treat a guy shitty, he'll want you more. I don't mean be a bitch, but don't give a shit emotionally. Don't ask him for kisses. Don't give him hugs and beg to cuddle. Push him off. Act like a guy. He'll like that more.

Beth, who has been married almost 20 years: I love my husband, but I say he's lucky he's still breathing. He leaves for a weekend and I'm excited! I say "Ok! Have fun! Yes! He's gone!" I like my time with him, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. We just have fun.

Debbie, my manager who is definitely on the older side: I'll tell you a secret. I've been married 30 years and my husband is still an asshole. They don't change. People come and go in your life for a reason. If this doesn't work out, it was for a reason.

Madonna, who is very quiet and doesn't seem to like me much, but still is a caring woman: He can't be worth it if he's making you cry this much. Things will get better, but if they don't. Don't worry about him. You have a lot going for you. A guy is the last thing you need.

Devon, who is the biggest asshole I work with, but all in good fun: All you need is a little bow-chicka-wow-wow and everything will be good.

Some of the answers were wise, but some of them just made me laugh. It all combined for me, and it's helping me understand what I can do as a girlfriend to be a better person. I want to cling to my boyfriend out of love, but if I want this to last, everything I thought was supposed to happen in a relationship won't happen. I'm not supposed to shower him in affection and love. I'm supposed to not give a flying fuck. I'm supposed to nod my head. I'm supposed to let him call the shots. I'll ask for something if I really think I need to, and otherwise, just go with it. Sounds better than fighting all the time because I can't stop texting him or clinging to him.

Channeling my emotions to exams,
Sierra